i hate stupid people, but it could just be RAD

i just met a lady who must have been a RADical child. we're camping this weekend, & i just gave the kids showers at the campground showerhouse. i left my towel there to bring them back & i went back to shower. a lady stole my towel, but the stupid thing is she didn't say oops sorry thought it was mine. she said no it's mine i brought it with me. i said come on! it's obviously a white towel that was turned mostly pink on accident & you're telling me you just happened to accidentally do that to yours exactly how i did it to mine? "well it's mine" was her clever retort! i said i dont care if you keep the towel that's fine (really wasnt it was my fav!) but that's ridiculous don't you think? her friend pointed out to her that she had 2 & of course she said yeah they're both mine.
man, now i'm just hoping she can't afford towels & she's just tickled pink (pun) over this major score. so now i'm heading back & we'll see if anyone takes the new zealand all blacks towel! no way can they say they also have a friend from nz who gave them a rugby towel! course i think i'll keep it close or i'll be walking back naked. :)
so i either hate nonsense lying or stupid people, maybe both.

i did it!!

today my neighbor asked how mr was doing & how he liked school, & i said just fine! i'm so proud of myself for not even feeling like i had to dump it all on her! i dump, then train, that's how it usually goes (much to the chagrin of many i'm sure!) he is fine indeed. he has issues that only RADical moms understand, so why keep bothering the public at large?? and thanks to you moms for letting me get it all out here & not acting like i'm nuts!
side note: i'm posting via email on my phone so we'll see how that goes! we're camping this weekend & i may need to blog! :)

if only we could share his self esteem!

cj's always been quite sure of himself. not sure if that's just natural or if we've pumped him full of believe-in-yourself-ness, but he's always believed he's the best at everything he's ever done or thought of doing. :) we've even *tried* to knock him down a few notches in some areas, like singing for example. he always wants solos and such and the boy can't sing at all, he's really bad. now dad and i can't either, so it's not a "you're not as good as us" type thing. it's more "God hasn't gifted you in that area so you should really concentrate on the other areas." anyway, he's so sure of himself, he doesn't believe if we tell him he's not the best. talk about indestructible self-esteem!
now he's playing football and isn't doing so well. he barely plays, yet he insists that he's the starting center. well he is, but for the third string! so trying to get him to work harder, get the coach to notice him more, and see reason, i explained that third string was the worst team. he said no, just the other two teams play then we play. but no matter what we say, football, singing, whatever, you can NOT convince this boy he's not the best. he does work very hard, so it's not just arrogance, it's just through the roof self-confidence.
dad said it would be awesome if we could give just one ounce of that to em and mr. with those two, you can NOT convince them they are even half way good at anything. polar opposites in the confidence area. they're both talented, cute as can be with blue eyes and dimples, and em sings like an angel, but neither has a lick of self-esteem. dad thinks it's in the negative numbers. :)
anyway, yet another interesting difference between the children in our home.

i highly recommend this!

i signed up for these daily emails (and let me tell you, that's a serious decision for someone with 300 emails in there to answer!) and i'm SO glad i did. i'm not really one for daily inspirational anything. don't like those books, calendars, etc. i'm pretty much a "suck it up" type who wants the simple scientific explanation to digest and i'll feel good about things later.
anyway, i LOVE these and i'm so glad i get them. i'm keeping them and will compile them for future reference too. they're very short and sweet with some plain talk about raising RADicals with love and peace (and i so need that peace). it is encouraging and i like getting one each day. i'm not sure how many there are yet. but i love that they're very common sense and great reminders about simple concepts that seem very complex when you look at RAD as a whole.
it's from heather forbes at beyondconsequences.com if you're interested:
Heather's Daily Parenting Reflection

some of my favorites:
- Change the course of your parenting today and change the course of your family history for generations to come.
- Controlling actions only teach controlling lessons.
- In order to 'correct' your child's behavior, you must work to 'correct' your child's emotional state, helping and guiding him to shift from a state of fear to a state of love.
- The greatest gift you can give to your children is you. Spend time with them, help them through their struggles, and love them through their behaviors.

Our Olympic debut!

completely off topic, but i just needed the laugh! this is hilarious, but freakishly so! you'll want to try it after you see it!
this is our debut at the olympics and we really bust some moves. :) it really was fun. not sure dad will enjoy it so much though! :)
just click the play button!

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

somebody stop the poopness!!!

ugh, a 4th day in a row of mr pooping his pants! i'm not sure i can go back to living with potty issues again! i thought those days were long gone. :( i might need to buy a plug!
i can't post a picture of that, so here's em at her soccer game. i'm a little worried because she had another bad (lazy) game. i'm hoping it was just hot (it was) and she was tired, but the last two games were really bad. the reason i even wonder (cause she's not all that!) is that she was highly praised (even winning an award from her coach) for her aggressiveness. so i wonder if it's a self-sabotage effort to keep her from being good since she doesn't feel good (about herself). i hate not knowing if it's simply the heat or if it's the rad!
we had another long day of 2 games and 1 practice for 3 kids in 3 different places. it ended up being a fun one though (except the poop part). the grands are in town, so the kids are in spoiled rotten heaven.

we may have figured out cj's problem! (or how rad kids affect normal ones)

i may have had an epiphany tonight! cj is our first-adopted and is our normal kid. he is naturally very sickeningly sweet. (that's not the problem, i'll get to that eventually). he appreciates the smallest of things (to an annoying level). oh mommy thank you so much for pouring my milk, i just love youuu. that *is* sweet, but trust me, it gets quite annoying when it's about any dumb thing and all day every day. i don't even want to take him to amusement parks and such and pay money because i can get the same reaction if i bake cookies or fold his clothes. he is always happy, thankful, helpful, and just wonderful.
so the problem? he's a total and complete rotten little brat to em and mr! just a pain in the butt trouble-maker, telling on them, yelling at them, taking advantage of them, bossing them around... and i mean beyond the typical "big brother" type stuff. way beyond.
we've written it off to he was just jealous of having to share us since he was an only child for 5 years. then we thought it must be because em and mr get so much more attention (albeit negative attention) because they were so bad at first. then we thought maybe it's this new parenting stuff we're doing because it was different that what we did/do with him. and on and on trying to figure out why such a sweet boy is so mean to a brother and sister he wanted so bad.
so tonight, as i'm thinking about the poop and how hard it is to just embrace mr and ignore the poop because that's what he needs, it hits me! it's SO hard for us as parents to love these two kids because of the LACK of affection and appreciation and well, love. but we understand it (mostly) and we get that their brains do this or don't do that because of fear. we get that because of their history, they don't know how to love. we know that if we work on this list of nurturing activities and train ourselves to react in certain ways that we'll eventually reach these kids and they'll learn what love feels like. they'll learn that it's okay and one day they'll actually GIVE love back. we know that in our heads and that allows us to go ahead and love them and be nice to them despite blank stares, mean statements, or even poop.
but cj is only 8! of course he can't understand all that. so tonight i wondered if he's just so hurt and frustrated because these two don't RETURN the love he gives them! how did i miss that? *i* am hurt and frustrated and *i* think it's totally unfair that my kids don't love me like a "real" mom. i get why they don't, they had a sucky "real" mom, and that lets me get past it and not blame them. but how could cj get past it? i know he dishes out love and is rejected every time. he'll do something thoughtful and get no thanks. he'll try to help and get turned down. he'll try to make a connection and be met with an empty look. he'll try to use logic (to teach, encourage, cheer up) and be frustrated because it never works.
HE has the same feelings as ME, but not the grown up congnitive tools to deal with it. no wonder he's mean! they move in, take his parents, break his toys, hurt his dog, get away with anything, but mostly break his heart. his sweet, compassionate, loving heart. no wonder he's hardened it to them.
i have no idea what to do with that right now. i'm just glad and sad to have realized it. now i need a good cry.

what is the deal with the poop??

so mr had a great day at school. found some friends he knew from soccer, loved lunch and recess, enjoyed his teacher and his class. BUT (pun intended) he pooped his pants again! what on earth?!
i sat down to have a sweet conversation (he said he did need to look at my picture once in the morning - say it with me - awwww!) and i smelled it. (mind you this is a good while after he got home)
mr, did you poop?
yep.
just recently?
nope.
at school?
yep.
and you sat in it all day?
yep.
(me getting tired of the conversation) were you afraid you'd get in trouble if you told your teacher?
yes.
well you won't buddy. next time you just let him know and go clean it up like you do at home. they'll have extra undies there and everything. remember em used to pee every day and she never got in trouble. (oh the memories)
alright.
it was as if i'd asked him about the weather he was so nonchalant. i don't like poop.

on a more positive note, em had another good day of homeschool. the picture is em working on her multiplication tables with sprinkles before she decorated the cupcakes (during which we worked on adding fractions, measuring ingredients) . ignore her hair, it was a mess from the pool. yeah, we spent the day at the pool, okay? i'm sure she learned something there too. maybe that 45 minutes of swimming feels shorter than the 15 minute break? i *am* quite the teacher, thanks. :)
on a less interesting note, we have 45 trees in our one acre yard. that seems like a lot. i've always wondered and em needed to review counting with tally marks, so there you go.

there he goes! *sniff*

my last one headed off to school today (wahhh). mr was very excited and yelled school day!!! as soon as he woke up. we couldn't find one of his shoes, doh! but duh mom, OF COURSE one shoe would be missing on the first day of school. that is totally my bad for not expecting that. i should have planned that out last night. responsibility blah, i know better. but i didn't stress (or make it stressful for others, my specialty), i just had him wear his old shoes. no biggie!
i did send my picture with him in a special pocket just in case he misses me. i'm still amazed that he thought he might (as he never has before). but school's a big deal for him, so hopefully he'll miss me just a little before gets lost in all the fun. cj was being a very good big brother and giving him tips and said he'd be sure he got to the right place. he freaked when he saw the bus. i'm so glad i got a picture! they jumped up and down and hugged and ran for the bus. it was so cute. *sniff*

aw, some love from my "little" one

as i was tucking mr in, telling him about school (starts tomorrow and he’s been very nervous and acting crazy - refer to the poop post), i said he could take a picture of me if he wants.
he said yeah!
i said if you miss me anytime, you can look at it and know that i love you so your heart will fill up with love.
and he said when I look at it, I’ll probably hug it.
awwwwwww!!!!! : ) coming from a kid who once said (very earnestly, not out of anger) i hate you and i don’t want to live here. gotta love it!! so if he can get there, so can em! now i need to print a picture. (time lapse) found one and i put a note on the back for him. hope he doesn't need it, but part of me wants him to look at it all day! :)

random RADical moments from today

an email i got from dad (i was at OT with mr):
em just broke down and cried during music class. for no reason whatsoever. we've had a great time today, nothing negative at all. must have been feeling the love and didn't know what to do with it. she was all fidgety and cried completely out of the blue. :)
(fyi, music class is em playing drums and dad on guitar and singing, so i bet it was love. that's still foreign to her. when mr first felt love he said he felt like he was going to explode on the inside!)

an email i sent to dad:
mr just told jeff (his OT) "my grandma can run faster than you"!

child #1 is off to school, child #2 has started homeschool, and child #3 keeps pooping...

cj went off to the 3rd grade today (sniff), while em started her homeschooling, and mr had a meeting with his teacher (the poor guy).
em enjoyed her day. it was very relaxed and fun and we just introduced her to a bit of what she'll be doing (which isn't much!) yesterday she was grilling me with nonsense questions about a bird in the yard (refer to RAD list), so today she interviewed said bird and wrote its life story in her journal. later after she gets used to me being her teacher (and loving her even if she makes a mistake), i'll tell her that twila is not spelled twilla and leaves isn't spelled levse. :) she also helped at the store by using the calculator to add or multiply prices.
we met mr's teacher and gave him a brief warning/intro to RAD. thanks to laura for this great, short fact sheet! he hadn't heard of RAD, but was willing to work with us. i was hoping to save him the frustration of dealing with a child who's smart one minute and dumb the next, but how can a non-RAD exposed human really get it?? you RADical moms know it seems like it's on purpose, like they want to be in trouble (i used to believe that), but it's a fear reaction. he really can't think under stress, he'd love to be able to! anyway, mr's first full day (they go all day, every other day) is friday. i think he's more stressed than we realize because he's pooped his pants twice in two days! he never does that and said it was an accident, but it's one of those questionable accidents. he's still in diapers, only at night (where i swear he pees all night long! he's a deep sleeper.) but we've not had any kind of potty issues forever. so that and other random odd behavior makes me think he's a bit nervous, though he won't admit that. probably doesn't even realize it. he has a hard time with sad and mad, not sure he understands nervous!
while at school, we visited cj at lunch where many of the girls begged me to let em come back to school and keep cj home! :) she was really happy to see her friends again though, and very sad when we got home. did ya catch that????? em was sad! (only a RADical mom would say yay!) so as a good mom, i helped her "feel her feeling" (which appears almost rubbing it in, but isn't) and then we celebrated that she had a feeling.
tonight as i was tucking her in, she said mom i want to go back to school. so i said sure, of course you will, next year for 4th grade. she said no, i want to go now. i said well honey, you can when you're ready, but you need to be good at this. and i rubbed noses with her, to which she got nervous and did her crazy giggle. i said you need to get used to having a good mommy and be able to relax on my lap and when i do this. and rubbed her cheek gently, to more uncomfortable giggling. and i ended with a positive, but i'm sure you'll get there. you can do it! of course, i guarantee she'll be sleepwalking down here soon. it's every night lately, but always, always after any hard night.
so, a pretty good first day of school at our house, except for the poop. :)

open house

look closely, this is the deceivingly sweet face of a boy who will be driving his kindergarten teacher mad! we had open house tonight and they had a ball seeing old friends. i chose to just meet n greet his teacher (i hadn't met him yet) and i'll fill him in a little more tomorrow. i heard him tell another parent, (who just said she's afraid her son won't sit down) oh that's fine, they'll all get used to it and be just fine. i'm thinking, well maybe not *quite* all of them! i do know he's (usually) good at church, although his teachers there are aware of his background and are just amazingly sweet. i'm hoping school goes well, but i know he'll be frustrated because he won't get all the concepts or be able to do everything, which will lead to acting out. so i figure i'll lower my expectations so i'm not disappointed. :) he was in sensory overload tonight with so many people and noises all around, i'm sure it'll be an issue for a while during the school days. i had to pick him up and rub his back to help, he was just flopping around acting all nuts. i hope he'll get used to it!
em was surprisingly happy, even bragging a little to her friends that she was homeschooling. i think it helped that today i told her more fun activities we could do. for her first math, we'll bake cupcakes (measuring, adding, temperature), put on icing (maybe patterns or textures), then add and subtract with the sprinkles. :) so she was happy to see friends, and sad to leave them, but still seems excited to be home, so that's good. hopefully it'll be a smooth start to the year. oh, i said lower my expectations. then hopefully we'll just survive the beginning and see how it goes. :)

number 2, times 3!

all three of the kids got #2 this year for soccer/football. i can see some great photo opportunities in the future! these were just quick pics before team pictures today. we're not buying the team pictures though. they just get torn up in their rooms!

hoping for a good first day of school. i remember when...

mr will start kindergarten this week. i'll send him off praying all goes well, and hoping it's better than em's first day of first grade two years ago. it was her first year at a new school and she'd had very bad experiences with her first mom forgetting to pick her up. of course she said she was never scared (which is sad, cause she should have been, but she was used to it). here's an email i sent to friends that day recounting the story...
Yeah, first day of school and Em’s not on the bus when it drops Cj off!!! Cj yells out the window that Em’s not there, the driver asks us if we have her. So I tear back into the house and out the back door into the van and race down the road. In the meantime apparently, Dad turns around to tell me he’ll go to school and I can stay home with the boys but instead I called him and said I was halfway to school. Fortunately we’re 2.5 miles from school and apparently if you’re in a hurry it takes 1.5 minutes to get there. My worries were two-fold, first if she was at school feeling let down yet again. Her mom used to forget her, a lot (amounting to child endangering charges) so I thought here we are first day of school and I’ve let her down. (How do I make her understand we didn’t forget her? How do I make her not be scared? How do I tell her this is different?...)Or someone else picked her up and I’ll have to kill someone. (Where do I look first? I’ll have to call the police, but I’m not waiting on them. I can use my big Honda key, that’ll go all the way thru the eye into the brain!...)I didn’t know which one I hoped for! That was a horrible feeling knowing that either option would be bad, either for her physically or mentally or both. Man I was fuming!So I got there and they were on the radio with the bus driver still. Then they radioed all the drivers and another bus says they have her, she’d just gotten on the wrong one. Shew!!!! So I asked the secretary nicely (well okay I yelled a lot) how this happened and she said her teacher puts her on the bus, so I said well I need her teacher up here right now. So she got there and I yelled more. Then she explained the process and all that and the principal came in and joined the conversation. He said what exactly happened, I’m not sure I understand. I said you lost my daughter, that’s what. And I might have yelled more. Then we went on to discuss security and how they would from now on be sure she’s physically on the bus and what they’ll do if anyone else tries to pick her up, etc. Btw, they’ll call the police (state law), but also call me since I’m close (and can come dish out justice my own self!). I told them how important this was to her self esteem and feeling of security and all that, plus that her former family is a security risk and unstable and all that. I really don’t think we’ll have any more issues, as I don’t think any of them are likely to forget this for a while. She got home an hour later after a long boring bus ride, not a bit scared, just laughed that she got on the wrong bus. That says something for her feeling of security, so that was great to see. She and Cj both now know to tell the driver if the other’s not on there from now on too. And her teacher even called to be sure she got home okay and was alright. We can’t tell what happened, but Em said she was in line but the principal said the bus was over “there” but she went over “there” the wrong way. She’s not good at paying attention, but then I personally don’t think a 6 yr old should have the opportunity to be wrong, especially on the first day. But like I said, I doubt it’ll happen again. I’ll probably need to apologize to those three at the open house in a few days. But at least they know how important it is. Sigh, so thus ends the first day of school! :)

do you have any resources (as in short, explanatory letters) for teachers of RADicals??

the letter on the nancy thomas site is incredibly long and i'd prefer a shorter version. i've been through two years of trying to briefly explain RAD to em's teachers and now mr is starting school. i already feel sorry for his teacher. :) i'm (kinda) over the frustration part, but i know he'll drive his teacher up the wall trying to figure out why he's so freaking smart and so dumb at the same time. i don't want to overexplain, and i feel less need to have the teacher working directly with me since i (kinda) have a handle on it, but i do want to give an idea of the issues they'll see.
do any of you RADical parents have a good resource? i have a long email to one teacher i may be able to edit down. fortunately, i no longer feel the need to explain why i do things differently than most moms (i just don't care anymore and fortunately i have thick skin), so i won't need to defend myself like i have in the past. but i would like to spare his teachers the frustration of the WHY he does what he does. of course he also has coordination and sensory processing issues, so it may be a lost cause. i guess when they see that he scored in the 99th percentile in verbal reasoning, but only in the 1st percentile in non-verbal skills, they'll realize his poor brain is being pulled in two directions! it's going to be a long year. :)

i'm officially a homeschooling mom!

ack! i sent off the notification to the school so now i guess i'm officially em's homeschool teacher. we're going to try this for a year and really focus on her attachment. since mr was home with me all day every day for 2 years, he has MUCH improved and is now pretty "normally" attached. with help from his attachment therapist, i went back and did the baby steps that he missed, bottle feeding, baby talk, nursery rhymes, cuddling, checking in (eye contact) every few minutes, and a few hundred other (honestly quite mentally draining - but effective) activities throughout each day. but it's given him a good base to feel what having a good mom feels like and he's quite cuddly and likes to give and receive love now!
anyway, em's never had that time because by the time she gets home from school, i'm exhausted. plus all three are then fighting for attention (or just fighting) so she doesn't get quality one-on-one time. plus she avoids that like the plague!
so now that mr's headed to kindergarten, we're going to keep em at home and do the nurturing activities. hopefully she'll blossom like mr did! i'll do enough teaching to keep her up to par, but it'll be fun, non-threatening learning. she can't handle me helping her with homework (because of her perfectionism isuses), so i'll be making sure it's low-pressure and fun. instead of history books, we'll visit a historical park. instead of math workbooks, she'll use a calculator at the store, measure ingredients for dinner, etc. since i know i'll be able to keep her attention (she used to "check out" at school and miss entire days!) i have a feeling she'll learn much more at home than she ever would at school. hopefully as she learns to attach, she'll also gain confidence, and the ability to concentrate so she can learn at school later.
she'll be choosing her areas of study and i'll just be guiding her and making sure the lessons are there to be discovered. the first thing she wants to study is the monarch butterfly. :)

our little sleep walker

i was asked to share about our sleep walker. it goes in cycles and right now it's every night. i'm so tired! a funny video follows my babbling!
so em walks in her sleep. she actually got in trouble a few times and i later felt pretty bad when i finally figured it out. you can NOT tell she's doing it, it's freaky weird. but it's not an act and she doesn't remember it at all the next day. she can carry on conversations, follow directions, she could probably go to school and do fine! but she can't quite answer questions if you're really direct. i thought she was being difficult at first, but now realize she can't think, cause she's actually asleep! so weird!
last night i knew she was, but she argued and said she wasn't. (i know, a good RADical mom knows not to ask, but i was mostly being sarcastic - which i also know not to do, so that's not a very good defense eh?) so i asked how old she was and she had no idea, but guessed 13. :)
fortunately our house is old and loud, so i can hear her coming down the stairs. we quit telling her the funny stories hoping not to somehow unconsciously encourage her to keep it up, but it continues.
HERE'S THE FUNNY PART. and this is just one of the many funny ones, just one i happened to catch on video. back in april 2007, she came down and went into the bathroom (as she does every night) but i noticed she seemed to be too low and peeked in to see her peeing in the trash can. it's RIGHT beside the potty, i mean inches. ugh. so as a good mom, i grabbed the camera so i could show her the next day. :) no, i didn't film the potty part! just the rest of the conversation about hand washing and tooth brushing so you can see the madness. she seems awake, even giggles about being awake, but clearly isn't awake!!

see the video here: http://tinyurl.com/5u9pej

it's big, around 38mb, so hang tight. if it doesn't work, try a different browser. it also might play better if you right-click and save as to your desktop and watch once it's finished. and sorry, tech support is now closed. :)

fyi, we're out of oranges :)

yep, as expected, it'll take a while for the kids to realize the food is really, really, really always going to be there! can you die of a vitamin c overdose?! :) em did ask (a few times) if she could eat in the middle of the night and i assured her she could, but fortunately she didn't need to. even though she did sleepwalk a few times (but that's a whole separate post!) i guess the next food we leave out should be a little less yummy. :)

oranges for the starving

i'll get to the oranges in a minute. our two RADicals have food issues (as well they should thanks to their sucky first parents), but we didn't notice it at first. they don't hoard like we were prepared for, not at all. they just whine because they're starving. well, more like staaaaaarrrvvviiinnnggg. we just chalked that up to their whiny, victimized outlook on life (again, thanks to the suckos). but recently we've noticed an increase in their fear and concern about where/when their next meal or snack is, especially with em. we've always been careful about food, knowing it can be a big issue for adopted kids. we always let them know it's coming, keep it visible, give plenty of snacks (both healthy and just yummy), we never punish them with missed meals, and if they are "starving" rice cakes are always available. (you know: i'm starving, have a rice cake, i don't want a rice cake, then you're not starving...)
but they are still very, very concerned when they'll eat next. if you don't have a RADical, you'd think oh they're just snacky, all kids are like that, but you don't live here. if you did, you'd see the panic and real fear on their faces. in their brains (which are developmentally stuck in the past) they just know they might not get food and they may die. even though they've not missed a meal in the two years they've been with us, the meals they did miss before that are fresh on their messed up little minds.
dad asked em why she was so scared about food (trying - in vain - to get her to use logic) and she didn't know. i told her that her brain was just still afraid she might not get to eat because when she was little she didn't always get to eat when she needed to. she "gets it" but she doesn't "get it". story of her life.
anyway, we realized that they would hoard food, they're just too afraid to get in trouble! so it needs to be treated the same way, eureka! so we told them we'd leave something out on the table so they'd never have to worry about food again. they can go eat whenever they need.
now of course we hope they don't eat all day long and they come to realize that yes, it's there and they are not going to die. we figure they'll go crazy for a few days though!
today it's a box of oranges. em's had quite a few and mr's just glad they're there. the funny (in a profoundly sad way) thing was when we told em she could have an orange anytime she wanted all day, instead of the fear leaving, she just asked what would be on the table tomorrow. i said (to deaf ears) just worry about today. if i said you could eat oranges all week, you'd worry about next week. just know you'll have something everyday.
ah my poor little RADical orange eating girl...

i want to paint but i can't paint but i want to paint!

another fun piece of anti-logic today... em wanted to help me paint, so i think yay, she's going to work hard and be responsible. (RADical parents tend to have absurd, fleeting moments of hope) after a few minutes, she came back and said i can't make it spray, my finger isn't strong enough.
i'll admit my first reaction was to offer her a can of suck it up (instead of spray paint), but since i'm a good mom and know she has RADical issues, i empathized as i'm supposed to. i was appropriately sad and validating, but encouraged her to try again. she refused and gave her usual "i can't" so i very nicely offered to do it for her. she refused that as well saying she wanted to do it. i knew what was coming, an illogical melt down. i shouldn't have continued, but my brain had melted at that point. let me figuratively paint the picture for you (because no painting was happening here). imagine the patient mom with the crying/screaming RADical child both holding spray paint:
what do you want to do honey? i want to paint.
but you can't paint right? right, but i want to.
okay, so paint. but i can't.
okay, so you can't paint? right, but i want to.
well then paint. but i can't.
okay, then don't. but i want to...
(then good RADical mom sense kicked in and i went for comic relief) em, you want to paint, but you can't paint. what am i supposed to do? magically give you a stronger finger so you can?
(to which she laughed, said yes, and i breathed easier, but then the fit escalated) but it's not fair. i want to be able to paint. i want to paint. it's not fair. i want to...
(then bad RADical mom frustration took over) well since you can't paint, but you want to, and you're throwing a fit about it, why don't you go to your room and cry like a little baby instead.

fyi, i'm well aware that was not the proper response for a RADical child. (consider it my example of what not to do). i know she was just trying to communicate with me because she was frustrated and acting out of fear. in her brain, if she's not perfect, we won't love her, and we'll send her away. the books and my logical understanding of RAD tell me this, but that doesn't stop me from wanting her to see reason. but alas, RADicals and reason don't mix. and fyi, i finished painting.