Sunday, November 30, 2008

it worked! aka, i finally did it right! :)

i had a good, regulated day! in other words, i didn't suck it up as bad as usual and it paid off. :)
kids were nuts, but i was patient, loving, ignoring the behaviors and connecting with them. and i had a HUGE moment with em. my perfect angel lied to me! yeah, that's big, but it's not *near* as big as this: she admitted that she lied to me! you RADical moms understand that to her, to admit a lie could mean certain death. here's the story.
you know how you notice small things, but aren't sure why you notice them? well, i noticed em go out the front door saying i'm going to go play. not unusual, just caught my attention. well very shortly later she comes back in showing off her beautiful, smooth, pink rock she'd found in the cornfield. then cj comes to me close to tears saying em stole his pink rock and brings me his rock collection explaining how the pink one was missing. because i'm peaceful and regulated today, i stop and think and in about 2 minutes figure it out in my head. (if i weren't having a good day, i probably would have ignored cj, and definitely wouldn't have responded well to em!)
i say you look really upset and i'm really sorry about the pink rock. please let me talk to em by myself and take care of this.
i go talk to em and assure her she's not in any trouble, i just want to talk about this rock. i say i know you're lying about finding the rock (didn't ask, didn't set her up to fail!) and that's okay. i'm not mad, you're not in trouble, you're safe and i love you. she of course denies it. but mom, i found it, i promise you i found it.
honey, it's okay. i don't know why you're lying, but it's okay. can i hold it? see, if it were outside all this time, it would still be cold.
but mom, i was holding it, it's warmed up.
well, it wouldn't have warmed up that much, but that's okay. you're not in trouble. i believe that's cj's rock from his collection and maybe you just really like it and wanted it. i understand.
no mom, i promise you, i found it in the cornfield.
okay, it seems like you want to keep up the lie for some reason. it must be really important to you that i believe you. you know i can't though, because you lie all the time right?
yes mom, but this time i'm not lying. i promise you. i PROMISE you i'm not lying. (of course always great eye contact for lies).
okay, i understand this must be really important for you to keep it up. do you want to show me where you found it? yes! and she takes me outside and way into the cornfield and shows me the spot where she found it, promising me repeatedly that she wasn't lying.
okay em, remember that you're not in trouble and i love you and you're safe.
but mom i'm not lying, i found it right here.
that's okay honey, i understand why you want me to believe you, but i'm going to tell you how i know it's not true. you know how mommy always knows?
yes. (they hate that!)
well, when you went out the front door, you didn't have near enough time to walk to this spot and back, let alone look around and find this rock.
i didn't??
no honey, but it's okay. i know you took it outside with you and that's okay, i understand. i'm guessing you really like that rock and really wanted it to be yours so you came up with this plan. and now i'm guessing that you really, really don't want to get in trouble for lying so you really want to convince me that you're telling the truth. it's okay, i don't blame you. it's a very pretty rock! i don't blame you for wanting it. and i understand that you don't want to be in trouble for lying too. are you worried about that now?
to which she *finally* gave up and hung her head and said yes. and i hugged her and picked her up and she started crying (a little, but that's big for her) and clung to me. and i carried her all the way back reminding her that i love her, she's not in trouble, i'm proud of her for telling the truth, etc. she said cj will probably laugh at me. i said he might, but i'll ask him not to. he'll just be happy to get his rock back. after she was calm, i said maybe next time you could offer to trade cj or buy it from him or see if you can find a similar one.
but i didn't yell! i didn't scold her for telling a lie! i didn't punish her, but i connected with her so she felt safe enough to tell the truth, to admit to doing wrong. she gave me a *real* hug. she did something rotten (as all kids do), but if you'd have heard the passion of her promises, trying to convince me she was telling the truth (well, most of you have heard it), she needed me to believe her. if not, i'd know she was lying and therefore she was bad and therefore i'd make her leave. and if you'd have felt that hug, she hung on so tight as if she needed me! her mom! ah, it felt good!
now i turn and bow to my blog audience and you cheer with me! *applause* *applause*
sorry, i just needed a good day!! hope you have one too!


Diana said...

Yeah, yeah, yeah!!!! Kudos to you, mom!! Well done! And congrats to your daughter on her big breakthroughs, becuase yes, as a fellow RADical mom, I can attest they are big moments!

I had a similar moment at my house this morning too. It wasn't dealing with lying, but it was directly related to grief. I was going to tell you about it here, but decided I'll write about it over on my blog hopefully later tonight.

Dinah said...

Awesome!! It's exhausting, though, isn't it...always staying one step ahead in the thought process. lol....but it is so rewarding when it works!

Torina said...

Yay! Glad you had a good day!

Brenda said...

Applause Applause Applause !!! I love those kinds of days! I'm glad you had one and hope you don't have to wait to long for the next!

Perspective is Everything said...

almost cried reading that.. that's so cool.. I'm so happy for you! (Fog Horn in the nose bleed for your family victory)

Brie said...

impressive! congrats! it always feels so good when we are able to stay calm. i wish i could say i've done as well as you did, but maybe another day! i hope you have another breakthrough soon!

familygregg said...

that is AWESOME!

Heather said...


Heather said...

That's awesome. You have given us all hope. Thanks for the detail in how you handled everything. You're teaching the rest of us along the way. I do much better when I'm regulated too. What a fantastic day for you!

Heather said...

That is truly a breakthrough!! Thank you so much for putting the whole dialogue up. It is so helpful to read for me. I can picture myself doing this now(:

truevyne said...

Good on ya! The lying and never taking responsibility might be the hardest part of RAD for me to deal with.