what is reactive attachment disorder?

what is reactive attachment disorder? after 2 years, we're still figuring that out. but basically, when children are neglected, they don't learn to develop attachments with people. to put it more bluntly, because our kids had sucky first parents, they don't know how to love us or let us love them. it's not that they don't want to, they really don't know how.
it's not always sucky parents either, as a reader recently scolded me. it could be trauma during birth, childhood illnesses, etc, so good parents can have kids with RAD too! mine just happened to have sucky ones. i'm not generalizing that all RAD kids have sucky parents, just mine. i don't know your kids. :)

here's a great article by gregory keck. here's another good article by nancy thomas.

here are the symptoms and how we finally figured out what was going on with the kids. the last one sealed the deal for us! many of these have improved greatly now!
i added our experiences in italics and wow, it's pretty sad to see it listed like this!

• superficially engaging & charming - they can charm the pants off anyone!
• lack of eye contact on parents terms - they only looked us in the eye if they were lying
• indiscriminately affectionate with strangers - they don't know a stranger, love on anyone
• not affectionate on parents’ terms - not cuddly, don't like to sit in our laps or hug
• destructive to self, others and material things (accident prone) - always breaking toys, falling
• cruelty to animals - oh the poor dog and cat, and may the one kitten rest in peace :(
• lying about the obvious (crazy lying) - not the usual get out of trouble kind, just stupid stuff
• stealing - this one hasn't been bad at all! they seem too afraid to steal.
• no impulse controls (frequently acts hyperactive) - oh my, they were completely wild at first
• learning lags - way ahead in some areas, way behind in others
• lack of cause and effect thinking (no logic) - so frustrating, they really, really have no logic
• lack of conscience - very sad. they don't realize they're inconsiderate at all.
• abnormal eating patterns - this hasn't been too bad. they do worry about what's next though.
• poor peer relationships - they prefer adults and are immature for their age, improving though
• preoccupation with fire - oh yeah
• preoccupation with blood & gore - yeah and death, oh they must say die 50 times a day
• persistent nonsense questions & chatter - oh my word, it's honestly horrible
• inappropriately demanding & clingy - this wasn't too bad
• abnormal speech patterns - mr has speech issues, but also lost some teeth, so unsure still
• triangulation of adults (pitting mom against dad or therapists/teachers against parents) - tried
• false allegations of abuse - haven't seen this fortunately
• presumptive entitlement issues - yep, serve me now, i will not ask, things should just appear before me
• parents appear hostile and angry - people think we are nuts!

why share our RADical adventures?

i started this blog because i was jealous! :) i've spent countless hours pouring over blogs of people (complete strangers even) sharing about their lives, hurts, struggles, joys, losses, etc. i've read about births, deaths, disabilities, traumas, discoveries, and so much more and oddly, it's helped me. i can tell it helps them as well.
writing is very therapeutic and (1) i love to write and (2) i am in bad need of therapy! :)
i can't share the real story with our real life friends, because i may want my kids to marry their kids one day! or i may want them to babysit. i don't want them to know how often i screw up. or how hard it is to be a RADical mom sometimes. i don't want them to know my daughter has no conscience; i want her to be invited to birthday parties. i don't want them to know my six year old son loves to bottle feed; i also want them to adopt! (i think every family should adopt one child and fix that global problem in a day. God says to care for orphans and widows, so you better grab one quick!) i also don't want the kids to read horrible stories about themselves and feel bad. it's not their fault at all, but they wouldn't see that.
but as much as i don't want to share, i still want to talk about it! i really want to shout "it's not my fault, i didn't mess these kids up, they have mental problems" when we're at a store and have a melt down. i want to explain why mr may look on the ceiling for his shoes. i want to explain that em doesn't have feelings and that's why she didn't apologize. i also want people to be happy with me when we have a breakthrough. but they don't get excited when mr cries like a baby over something small. they don't understand he didn't cry over anything until recently. they don't get excited when em sits on my lap and relaxes. they don't know she can't do that for more than one minute without getting nervous.
so i want to share. i want other RADical parents to say man, i can relate to that! i want them to say wow, that worked well, maybe i'll try it. i want them to say here's what we did, you might try it. i want them to say this crazy lady tells it like it is and now i know i'm not alone! mostly i want them to say, wow, if there's hope for this family, there's hope for mine!
i want to share the happy. i don't just want to whine (though i'm an excellent whiner) and say woe is me and share all the madness. i want to share the encouraging improvements we see every day. i want to share the idiocy, but only to share that it gets better. (it does get better, right??)
so i will share. i won't share names or places and if you happen to know us, please (1) don't share that info, (2) try to look past the disorders to the scared kids, (3) try to look past my frustration to the mom trying to help her kids and herself heal, and (4) don't think i'm crazy because my kids look happy. :)
if you're still reading, you're either very interested, or very bored. thanks either way! i hope we can make you smile each time you visit us here.

meet this RADical family

this RADical family consists of mom, dad, em, cj, and mr. (click their names to read their bios. they're long and explain much!)
on the outside, we're your typical happy family who loves spending time together. soccer, baseball, football, biking, camping, school, church, we do it all. from the pictures, it appears we're the perfect family. and we are, it just depends on your definition of perfect.
if you think perfect is normal, then no, not so much.
but if you think perfect is just what God intended, even if that means an incredibly frustrating attempt to teach kids how to love that is met with resistance and fear and not knowing how to even go about doing that in the first place and trying to figure it out while years are passing by and you fear you'll never reach them in time, then yeah, we're perfect!

cj (8) was adopted at 20 months and has no attachment issues despite spending almost 2 years in an orphanage in ukraine.
em (8) and mr (7) were adopted at 6 and 3 after being raised (term used loosely) by their sucky parents and both have been diagnosed with RAD. sadly this shows that no parents at all can be better than sucky ones. em and mr were extremely neglected, which has affected their brain development. so while they are very intelligent, cute, and happy on the outside, they are really messed up little kids on the inside.

so these are our three who complete our family and make our adventure possible!

if you're learning about being RADical family, click here for help!

meet em, RADical #1

em is a gorgeous little eight-year-old with killer blue eyes. she's smart, funny, brave, artistic, creative, and just beautiful. that's who the world sees. here's the real em:
sadly, she doesn't think she's pretty at all! she's heard all her life that she looks like her (first) mom. she used to be pretty but now shows the affects of heroin addiction and of course was a very crappy mom, so em didn't see her as pretty. plus her self-esteem is non-existent.
em has a diagnosis of RAD, PTSD, and now possibly some ADD (which is more easily missed in girls than boys since they tend to be quieter-ish). she may also have some coordination issues like her brother and i plan to have her tested by an OT soon. again, that can be missed in girls because she's not *quite* as all-out as the boys.
em was with her sucky first mom (and sucky first grandma) for 6 years where she was extremely neglected and subject to lots of yucky things. she obviously learned to survive by shutting down her emotions and now she honestly has none, nada. in attachment therapy, where she's learning to "feel her feelings" she's quite honest and says she doesn't want to. why would anyone WANT to feel sad? of course we "normal" humans say because then you feel all the good things more too, like love! but she doesn't know that love feels good (it didn't for 6 years, why would it now?), so i can certainly understand her reluctance!
after two years here, she's very happy, content, safe, compliant, and willing to be a wonderful and active member of the family, she just doesn't love or let herself be loved. i'm sad for her, for me, for the rest of the family. but i'm also happy because i do see improvement! she's had some feelings sneak up on her and it's (almost) comical. once she started to cry when her brother was in trouble, but she didn't know why. or she's been *way* overly sad about a silly little thing. but they're starting to come out so we know she can get there! it's sad to know that she knows though. she'll say well that was mean and that would hurt my feelings if i had any. :(
and because of not understanding love, she's a perfectionist. she's the perfect daughter (so this is where most people would close the book!!). but i know that she's the perfect daughter so that she can stay here. in her brain, if she's not perfect, we won't love her, so we'll send her away. to us normals, that is madness! but it's happened to her before, so of course she thinks that! moms are supposed to be good and love their kids, so em must have not been a good daughter for her first mom to have sent her away. of course we know better, that her first mom was a complete moron and her brain was eaten by heroin and sheer stupidity. (you can be politically correct if you wish and say she struggled with a heroin addition which is a disorder and she wasn't able to be a good mom, but you'd be wrong.) she was stupid. of course i put that much more gently to em, especially since she feels so much like her first mom. we're nice, hard as that is, but we know it's best for em.
wow, there are so many other things, (like everything on the RAD list). she can't relax on our laps yet. she gets very nervous and giggly if she feels love from us. she doesn't know to think about other people's feelings (of course, she doesn't know what feelings are like!) so she's often inconsiderate. she has that "i deserve to be served" attitude that i still struggle with. (i've read alot it's prevalent in the "stereotypical poor" community who feel they're owed help from the govt, owed certain wages, etc. i ignorantly figured if they had little, they'd appreciate having a lot. nope, not happening here! theoretically i totally get it, but boy, still frustrating!) we FINALLY got rid of the potty issues and got her out of diapers when she was 7. i'm not sure i'm ready to think back on those days! shew.

so, that's em in a nutshell. our perfect gorgeous fun little hollow girl that hopefully one day will love us like we love her!

meet mr, RADical #2

mr is a cute, silly, sweet, sometimes rotten, scary smart, incredibly clumsy, bright-blue-eyed, blond-haired little boy. mr doesn't have the perfectionism em has though. he's quite content letting people see the real him and letting them know exactly how he feels, whether he's happy or more likely very whiny and defeated. when he's happy, he's a complete joy and is very fun to be around. his laughter is very infectious and i give extra tickles just to hear it often.
when he's not though, there is a storm cloud for all to see with crying, whining, and flopping on the floor saying i can't do it, or this is the worst day of my life, or i'll never get it right. he's near impossible to encourage since he lacks logic and he's hard to comfort since he seems to want to be unhappy. he does the "i want to be in trouble thing" that only RADical parents can understand. oh that's tough to take, but we give him that love and acceptance anyway, and it's slowly sinking in. he does come to me now when he's frustrated, that's a big improvement. he doesn't always hear my wise words and feel better, but at least he seeks me out. he does have some great moments though, where he buckles down, tries hard, and allows himself to succeed. he's just now learning about pride and that it feels good!
mr has a diagnosis of RAD, possible ADD, and a definite coordination disorder with sensory processing issues for which he has weekly occupational therapy, which he LOVES. when he first came here, he was crazy accident prone and we wrote it off to young, excited, and not used to rules and well, parenting. we quickly realized there was more to it, we just didn't realize how much more. that's coming along, improving in some areas but regressing in others, but hopefully with therapy and a "sensory diet" (still reading about that) he'll get there.
while he was the poster child with about every issue on the RAD list, mr has improved incredibly over the past two years. he was the classic kitten killer, toy breaker, crazy liar, constant peer, out of control boy, but is now (mostly) sweet, cuddly, considerate, careful, and pretty obedient. he's younger than em, so it's a little easier for him. he remembers less, needs more help, and it's more natural to carry him, plus he was with me all day every day when dad worked outside the house and the other two were at school. he really responded well to the nurturing activities and it feels like he's "caught up" on the emotional development he missed. his attachment therapist says he seems to finally have a very normal attachment to me now (yay!) he still has trouble identifying or showing emotions and that's what we're focusing on now.
amazingly, mr is a genius. he taught himself not only numbers and letters, but to count, add, and read at 5! i very purposefully did NOT teach him because of the attachment activities. i was (am) treating him like he's 2 (cause emotionally he is and he needs the nurturing he missed), so he doesn't need to be reading! for his kindergarten evaluation, he scored in the 99th percentile in verbal reasoning, but only in the 1st percentile in non-verbal. talk about a brain pulled in two directions! so he can talk on a very grown up level and understand complex ideas, but he can't put his shoes on right or write his name. kindergarten will be interesting this year.
so that's our little mr. now that he's 6, he's finally feeling like my sweet little cuddly toddler!

meet cj, he's radical for sure, just not RADical

cj is a cute, confident, fun, fearless, and witty eight-year-old daredevil and the world sees the real him. cj is also the extreme opposite of RAD. we're not sure how or why, but he formed a very secure attachment with us very quickly. he spent his first 20 months in a ukrainian orphanage with rotating caregivers, then we (strangers who spoke a different language) took him to a foreign country, so he should have issues. we were prepared for them, but he had none. only God could work that miracle. sometimes (when i'm feeling particularly selfish and sorry for myself) i think God set us up for what was to come later!
anyway, cj is cuddly, loving, affectionate, compassionate, emotional, and just completely anti-RADical. i vividly remember the bonding process with cj, and it literally took days. i remember pushing him in a cart in a store hugging and kissing on him and thinking wow, i really, really love this little boy and he really, really loves me. like it was yesterday. i think that's why dealing with my RADicals has been so hard. i remember that feeling so well and really thought it would be similar. i knew it would take longer as they were older, but wow, i didn't think it would take years. i can see the process happening still, so i know i'll have it one day!
the only issue we've had with cj is his self-control. self-regulation for those of you who also do the research. basically, when a baby cries, his mom comforts him and (1) lets him know it's okay to get upset, (2) shows him she still loves him when he does, and (3) teaches him how to calm himself down. when you have no parent (or a sucky parent), your brain doesn't learn how to calm down. so he gets riled up, hyper, excited, and isn't able to just calm down like he should. many notes home from kindergarten, and first grade, and second grade told us this. :) so i'm helping him take a deep breath and relax and hugging or rubbing his back (doing the baby mom part he missed) so that he'll eventually be able to do it himself as needed. all three kids need this, for the same reason of course.
we have no history for cj, so he has no bad memories to overcome or good memories to miss. he doesn't remember ukraine at all, although he loves to tell the stories we've told him. i'm sure that he'll have some identity issues in the future, because there are no answers, but for now, he's just happy that we found him. and so are we!