I love you Niacin

A week into our trial with Niacin, and I'm a believer! Em's taking it and is a DIFFERENT person, in a good way. We don't really do medicine, so I've resisted, but I about gave up caring, so I tried and wow. She loves it too. It takes the edge off and lets her feel normal! She doesn't cry and freak at the simplest question.
Now it did NOT help Mr at all. I'm going to try Theanine for him. Niacin is more for depression/shame and Theanine is to reduce mental stress, so I'm hoping it'll help Mr chill out. I might even try it. I need to chill out.
The reason I remembered to share it is she didn't take hers this morning and has been crying about the game they're playing and giving a big woe is me pity party for herself. Then I asked a simple question and she launched into her defense (and it was just did you get out the cereal?). I said did you take your medicine this morning? She said oh, no. Take it, take it quick! :) She did and is back to playing normally now. And the boys are even being mean!
But she's been loving (even toward ME!), she's let loose much more than usual, she's laughed at her mistakes without crying, she isn't scared of her own shadow, she doesn't even freak if I ask a question quickly. Once I had to hurry her out the door and she simply hurried!! She's just been FUN!
Anyway, not a magic pill of course, as Christine reminds, but it's helping her and I wanted to share. I didn't think it'd work this well, so I'm happy!

Niacin trial, wish us luck! (And make suggestions if you'd like!)

We're not having major issues, but we're just banging our heads against the walls over the minor ones, that feel major when it's all day every day.
Em is a perfectionist and at the first sign of imperfection, she melts then can't think straight. She's so disappointed (that she won't earn our love, which we try in vain to freely give) in herself, that she can't make any logical decisions. It's not raging or lying or anything destructive (so I suppose I should be thankful) but it's sooooooo annoying and has to be hard on her. If I ask a question too sharply or quickly, her brain snaps and you can actually see it. She tries so hard to figure out what I want her to say/do/think when I just want her actual answer.
If I lovingly say psst, Em, what would you like for dinner tonight? She'd come up with something.
If I appear upset, am upset, or ask too quickly, Em! What do you want for dinner? She'll stumble, I um, don't know, what do you, I mean, what, um, what dinner, when, ah, whaaaaaaaa... tears tears and shaking.
I get it, and I try, but sometimes I just want to know her opinion for dinner without all the drama or super careful question planning!
She's also so hyper alert when it comes to me, you know, the mom who tries to love her. At church I was rubbing her neck/hair and could see that she'd visibly relax WHEN I STOPPED! Both boys would relax, lean into it, keep moving if I stopped, etc. But not Em, too scary. Get that love stuff outta here.
So I'm wondering if Niacin will help? I read about Niacin on Christine's blog and bought some tonight. I don't know, but just wonder if it will help with her feeling like she has to be perfect. I know that has to come from fear/shame/something, and I know if she doesn't quit doing it, I'll be tempted to quit caring about it! I'm not sure about the boys. Mr does similar melt downs with questions, but he doesn't have the perfection issues. He just can't handle pressure of any type! But he's about ODD and ADD mixed with coordination problems and low self esteem, so an accident happening (not waiting to happen)! Not sure if Niacin will help him or not. Thoughts?
I also want to try Theanine (recommended by our AT), especially for the boys too. From wikipedia: "Theanine has been shown to reduce mental and physical stress, and improves cognition and mood in a synergistic manner with caffeine."
The reducing mental stress and improving cognition sounds helpful here! Has anyone tried Theanine?? Would love your input!

Still here, which is now in Oregon, still RADical

I haven't posted in forever, and I can tell, because every person I meet I feel like dumping on our entire story so they UNDERSTAND. That tells me I'm not getting it out and processing like I should. Oops. It's also been too hard to call the AT and work on therapy that way because of our lack of reliable cell service. So *I* definitely realize that *I* am in need of therapy. The kids yeah, always, but me me me too! Boy that once a week reminder really kept me focused on THEM and not ME. It's SO easy to feel all woe is me when I'm not focused on them. And BOY am I all woe is me lately! And apparently I have a thing for CAPS tonight too.
Living and traveling in the RV has been WONDERFUL! We all really love it and have seen amazing places. Physically the kids are doing so well, loving, learning, exploring, just digging every new place. We're all pretty well adjusted to living in a small space that moves often. Now it's just back to the NORMAL un-normal stuff that's so frustrating.
Peeing on sheets is not cool when you have to go to laundromats. Having to be super careful not to ask a question too fast or her brain shuts down is not cool. Her worrying because dinner is at a different time than last night and she might starve to death is not cool. His tendency to always do the opposite of what he should is very not cool. I know it's wrong, but I've heard myself telling him Tell your brain to shut up when it starts telling you to do stupid things! Her crying at any tough question, because she can't be perfect and thus earn a place with us forever, is driving me insane!
They've come such a long way and it's great to look back, very encouraging. But when I look ahead and see how far they have to go, ugh. Discouraging!
Of course the other day I was *this* close to saying Screw it, let them work it out in therapy when they're adults and just settle for raising them, not the rest of the emotional stuff. But that day I decided to pretend to be Ma. Yes, from Little House, just a softly spoken word, no yelling or scolding, and we had a FABULOUS day! So, as long as I'm not myself, we might make it through. :p I know that's what they need, soft encouraging acceptance, I just wish that was my nature!! But I'm working on it. Gotta get it all blogged out, that'll help me. There, now I feel better, thanks!
Until the morning when our last sheet is peed on, but that's another day...