Thursday, October 23, 2008

oh the puke! and helplessness...

anyone else's kids puke because they get worked up about not feeling good?? they don't do it because they're sick, they do it because they're crying ABOUT being sick. it's so darn annoying to me!!! i was not a good RADical mom today, i freely admit it. i've been sick and also fighting a migraine for a few days and i don't feel good (wahhhhh). so this morning i wake up to mr saying "my belly hurts" to which i sigh (can't help it, i'm not a morning person) but i do manage to get up (while my head splits open and i shove it back together) and get him a pepto "candy" and when he sees the cartoons, he's cured. yay, so i go back to bed. short time later i hear him cough in the kitchen where the kids are eating breakfast. ignored it for a bit cause he stopped, but then later wondered and said mr? are you okay? no. why not? i puked.
ugh. so i go in and he's just sitting there covered in it. just sitting. sitting and waiting. on what? i don't know. it's so frustrating that both he and em are completely helpless in that (or any) situation. we've gone over and over just stay calm, take a breath, and DO something. cj (my normal) used to freeze when we first got him and i hated that. i used to yell orders and try to kinda shock him into action and dad talked me out of that approach (but it just made me mad! wasn't effective though of course.) so i worked on being soothing and encouraging him to keep moving, think of what to do, help talk him though the situation and now he's better. i haven't gotten through to em or mr yet, after TWO years. so frustrating. i get the why, it's just frustrating. apparently this is a venting post today!
anyway, it really bugs me that they think they're so sick that they throw up when it's rarely why. it's because they cry and whine and complain then shove cereal down their throat. i know his belly hurt and i know it doesn't matter if he knows why he really got sick. i'm just tired and sick and hate mornings anyway, but most definitely when they involve puke.
i had therapy with em today right after that and i told the AT that i wasn't in a very good nurturing kinda place today. she was great and focused more on some other things with her and gave my brain a little break. em did really good too. shared some pretty sad feelings she's not shared before (and she doesn't do sad). her AT wondered if our slumber party and the good loving time em had sorta knocked something loose. we'll have to see, but it was quite interesting. it was funny (well almost, not if you live it), she was playing a game (sorry!) and when you draw a card you also have to draw a feeling card and say i felt ___ when ___. and anytime she'd get love, she'd drop it like it was disgusting. she's good with mad, that's her only real feeling she gets. (and i know anger isn't a root feeling and all, but she's 8). she hates sad, hates happy, but absolutely detests love. it's funny except that it's so not.
we've had to work on happy lately. we've all assumed she's had happy and gets that, but she has a very hard time remembering being happy. like the next week she can only remember maybe one time. we know she's happy plenty, but she's not associating the word happy with that feeling. so we made a list and she added a sentence every time she felt it for the last week and she was shocked there were so many times! (and it was only like 7, we didn't write them all down!) so even her good stuff, she's just not associating them with feelings because she's so disconnected.
had an interesting conversation with dad about that yesterday. i said of course she doesn't want to feel anything! why would she? if she lets herself feel, then she'll feel sad that her mom didn't want her, then her grandma, then their friend! that's not true of course and we know that with our adult logical brains, but she doesn't! and who on earth would want to feel that sad??? yes, she'd also get to feel love, but again, in her mind love doesn't feel so good either. her first mom loved her, but didn't take care of her. we can tell (and she's said) she didn't get much of any nurturing at all when she was little. who would want to feel that? you just can't blame her when you think from her point of view. scared to death we'll do the same thing, so she's just as perfect as she can be. cold and stiff and heartless and perfect. i'd do the same thing in her shoes!
yeah, this got long. if you've read this far, thanks and sorry! :)


Diana said...

I didn't have such a great RADical morning myself. DS#1 definately got up on the wrong side of the bed - which really takes some talent considering he sleeps on the top bunk. :-) Unfortunately, I got up on the wrong side of my bed - also with a migraine. My DS doesn't puke, but he does pick and become a total masochist...or he bugs DD and/or DS#2 until they start screaming - which doesn't take much.

Oh yah, we know all about mad being the only emotion. But, we're slowly starting to see empathy and happy now. It's a long and bumpy and painful road, isn't is? But I totally agree with you - even as an adult, I often find it tough to process what my kids have been through. I have no idea how my kids are supposed to do it...and I'd clam up and shut off all the rest of my emotions, too!

AmandaScraps said... ya babe!

Torina said...

Ooh! Over here! Pick me! I am raising my hand! Puker? Check. My daughter puked EVERY DAY, multiple times, the first year we had her. She would ostrich her neck while she was swallowing to get herself to do it and then try to get it all over me. So lovely. Sometimes there was a warning with "I think I am going to puke now". Still, I'll take puke over poop any day. Poop makes ME wretch.

I am SOOOO glad she is done with that phase.