an interesting mommy/daughter time, slumber party!

i was pretty busy today with company work, house work, yard work, just too much work! but dad and em had a really nice day together. i felt guilty because i need to be more nurturing and spend more one-on-one time with her. after all, that is the sole reason she's homeschooling right now! dad makes it convenient and does a great job with her, but i need to step up more and stick to it. we discussed it last night because i was feeling down, and i'm just having a hard time wanting to. it's so hard when nothing is reciprocated. it's like pulling a stranger on your lap and trying to show them love and help them love you, even after all this time. if you're a RADical mom, hopefully you can relate, if you're not, don't even try. anyway, i felt bad. feel bad. because i don't want to waste this year. i feel like it's my only chance to really reach her. it's my only time i can be with just her and do the mom things she missed growing up. (wahh, what a crybaby, anyway...)
so after my busy day, i wanted to at least do our AT "homework" of holding her for 5 minutes (all she can handle right now). i had to do a little abbreviated holding time with mr tonight (that's a whole other post for another day though) and once he finally relaxed and was good, i had him hop down and told em to hop up. to my amazement, she didn't even complain about having to get off the computer or whine about having to do "homework" (which she despises). even after hearing how miserable mr was (and boy did he put on the show)! so i was a little caught off guard. she hopped up and relaxed and even looked me in the eye without it being a staredown. it was strange! i wish i could say i just went with it and acted as if that was normal, but i said you aren't freaking out right now! she laughed comfortably (as opposed to the usual giggle uncontrollably) and i said hm, maybe you are starting to think you could like me just a little. maybe i just might not be that bad of a mom to have around. and back to RADland, she said is that a mole or a pimple? ah, back to reality (or unreality), but i saw a glimpse! i just changed the subject and chatted about her pizzy party and let her tell me how fun that was.
AND THEN (there's more? yep!) she said will you feed me something? (remember we've decided food's the way to her heart) but i was shocked that she wanted to in this close, cozy setting. so i got her a carmel (sugar and sucking motion) and chatted just a bit more about she's okay and safe. how her brain still thinks she has to be perfect or we'll make her leave. i told her i'd definitely feel the exact same way if my mom chose to do drugs and didn't take care of me. she asked some questions and we talked through how she couldn't have changed what happened and what her first mom did. how she can't change how we feel... not a new conversation by any means, but a very close, comfy one for a change. no more stupid questions or changing the subject, just a real conversation. and when i felt she had enough, i had her hop down and off she went. very interesting!
now i need to keep at it and do it more often and hopefully catch her in some quick moments like that. oh, tomorrow night we're having a slumber party, just the two of us. our AT suggested it as a way to get some concentrated together time. we're going to stay up late, eat candy, do each other's nails, and i'll even sleep up in her room. should be interesting. i'm guessing the uncontrolled giggler will return as that's a lot of mommy time. hopefully she'll feel a little love though, even if she won't like it just yet. one day!