it worked! aka, i finally did it right! :)

i had a good, regulated day! in other words, i didn't suck it up as bad as usual and it paid off. :)
kids were nuts, but i was patient, loving, ignoring the behaviors and connecting with them. and i had a HUGE moment with em. my perfect angel lied to me! yeah, that's big, but it's not *near* as big as this: she admitted that she lied to me! you RADical moms understand that to her, to admit a lie could mean certain death. here's the story.
you know how you notice small things, but aren't sure why you notice them? well, i noticed em go out the front door saying i'm going to go play. not unusual, just caught my attention. well very shortly later she comes back in showing off her beautiful, smooth, pink rock she'd found in the cornfield. then cj comes to me close to tears saying em stole his pink rock and brings me his rock collection explaining how the pink one was missing. because i'm peaceful and regulated today, i stop and think and in about 2 minutes figure it out in my head. (if i weren't having a good day, i probably would have ignored cj, and definitely wouldn't have responded well to em!)
i say you look really upset and i'm really sorry about the pink rock. please let me talk to em by myself and take care of this.
i go talk to em and assure her she's not in any trouble, i just want to talk about this rock. i say i know you're lying about finding the rock (didn't ask, didn't set her up to fail!) and that's okay. i'm not mad, you're not in trouble, you're safe and i love you. she of course denies it. but mom, i found it, i promise you i found it.
honey, it's okay. i don't know why you're lying, but it's okay. can i hold it? see, if it were outside all this time, it would still be cold.
but mom, i was holding it, it's warmed up.
well, it wouldn't have warmed up that much, but that's okay. you're not in trouble. i believe that's cj's rock from his collection and maybe you just really like it and wanted it. i understand.
no mom, i promise you, i found it in the cornfield.
okay, it seems like you want to keep up the lie for some reason. it must be really important to you that i believe you. you know i can't though, because you lie all the time right?
yes mom, but this time i'm not lying. i promise you. i PROMISE you i'm not lying. (of course always great eye contact for lies).
okay, i understand this must be really important for you to keep it up. do you want to show me where you found it? yes! and she takes me outside and way into the cornfield and shows me the spot where she found it, promising me repeatedly that she wasn't lying.
okay em, remember that you're not in trouble and i love you and you're safe.
but mom i'm not lying, i found it right here.
that's okay honey, i understand why you want me to believe you, but i'm going to tell you how i know it's not true. you know how mommy always knows?
yes. (they hate that!)
well, when you went out the front door, you didn't have near enough time to walk to this spot and back, let alone look around and find this rock.
i didn't??
no honey, but it's okay. i know you took it outside with you and that's okay, i understand. i'm guessing you really like that rock and really wanted it to be yours so you came up with this plan. and now i'm guessing that you really, really don't want to get in trouble for lying so you really want to convince me that you're telling the truth. it's okay, i don't blame you. it's a very pretty rock! i don't blame you for wanting it. and i understand that you don't want to be in trouble for lying too. are you worried about that now?
to which she *finally* gave up and hung her head and said yes. and i hugged her and picked her up and she started crying (a little, but that's big for her) and clung to me. and i carried her all the way back reminding her that i love her, she's not in trouble, i'm proud of her for telling the truth, etc. she said cj will probably laugh at me. i said he might, but i'll ask him not to. he'll just be happy to get his rock back. after she was calm, i said maybe next time you could offer to trade cj or buy it from him or see if you can find a similar one.
but i didn't yell! i didn't scold her for telling a lie! i didn't punish her, but i connected with her so she felt safe enough to tell the truth, to admit to doing wrong. she gave me a *real* hug. she did something rotten (as all kids do), but if you'd have heard the passion of her promises, trying to convince me she was telling the truth (well, most of you have heard it), she needed me to believe her. if not, i'd know she was lying and therefore she was bad and therefore i'd make her leave. and if you'd have felt that hug, she hung on so tight as if she needed me! her mom! ah, it felt good!
now i turn and bow to my blog audience and you cheer with me! *applause* *applause*
sorry, i just needed a good day!! hope you have one too!

20/20 special on RAD

I'm sure many of you will be blogging about this one! If you haven't seen it yet, you can watch it all online at http://abcnews.go.com/2020. It's called The Toughest Call (the show) or From Russia with Love - Dealing with Difficult Adoptions (the article). I recommend watching it, it's worth it! It's about international adoption, but that's hardly the point in my opinion. RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder - aka our lives) takes center stage.

My take: It doesn’t show the best or the worst really, but it gives a fair look at RAD, which is what we deal with 24/7. It’s not a great job, but I wasn’t disappointed. Just like it stinks shortening a huge book into a 2 hr movie, how can you summarize a disorder that takes years to understand? Ignore the crap about this being an international adoption thing, it’s about trauma which many (if not all) adoptions are. My Ukrainian child is securely attached while my domestically adopted ones are not, go figure. It's about the history and child, not the politics.
**Interestingly, I personally guarantee the middle child Elena that’s supposedly adjusting just fine is NOT fine, but is the perfect angel just like my EM. She appeared to have very little emotion, just the "super happy no matter what". Her one show of sad looked like fear or nervousness, not really sad. She was abused the most in Russia, so I’m sure she blames herself and will be “better” this time so her parents will be good to her and not make her leave. You’ve seen my girl, she looks completely happy and content. She’d be proud that she convinced you. :)
Sadly, this show didn’t cover at all the positive way to deal with this and help these kids heal, which is the approach that’s saved my sanity and honestly kept me from drinking or killing my child (both discussed on the show). Just the cold, rigid routine which works to a point. It worked for us to stop the really bad stuff in the beginning, but doesn’t let you connect to your kids, which is ultimately what they need to heal.
I’m so glad to say we’ve made huge progress here, but I could easily be that mom in the chair. I’m just so glad I know what’s going on and how to deal with it. Just sometimes wish it were a quick fix and not a lifetime commitment.
I also wish the show came with a list of places to get help. I think the show was meant as a warning to adoptive families to be aware, not as a resource for us, but I bet the tons of RADical parents out there had a-ha moments and will look at this as an “I’m not alone” show. It’s truly amazing the moment you realize that other parents are dealing with it all too. Anyway, I want to send every viewer of that show to http://www.beyondconsequences.com for hope!
I’d love to hear your views on the show! Even if you disagree with me, I don’t mind if you’re wrong. Kidding, share!

aw, well not so much...

so i didn't have the heart to post the negative yesterday! i wanted to stay focused on the positive and my sweet little mr's words that give me hope that they'll both really heal one day. and i still am focused on that, but had to share my not as sweet and cuddly em's response.
we went to both services (because the drummer's so cute!) and em went to her class in the first and missed the boys' comments. so during the second service, i told the boys their turn was over, let's let others have a chance. i told em they'd said some really sweet things they were thankful for and asked is there anything you're thankful for? (and i cringed cause that's a silly question). she (very flippantly) said nah. aw, brought back to real life.
i still had a great moment, just had to share the RADical side! :)

awwwwww...

So in church today we had a special thanksgiving kind of service where we had the opportunity to give thanks for whatever. Of course both CJ and MR wanted to raise their hands and get a microphone and of course I had to clear what they’d say cause either of those boys might break out into song with an open mic! So MR said he wanted to say he’s thankful for his family, which of course warmed my heart and made me teary (this boy never used to be thankful for anything and he’s really developed into a very caring boy). So I let them raise their hands, and guess what MR said?
I’m thankful God gave me a new family to live with. Is that not just profound and so sweet? Of course maybe only half the people there know his story, but the ones who did were crying. The people on the stage (the band, including some of his teachers and Dad) had a hard time holding it together to do the next song! I was just blown away. My sweet little MR!

finished the kidroom!

i haven't posted for a while, and here's one of the reasons! we've been working so hard on this, but we're finally finished. yay! the kids finally have a playroom! we've wanted to convert our unused attic into a kid room since we first saw the cute little kid door in the boy's bedroom. it was begging to be a kids play area, since it's only 6' tall at the peak and slants down to 1'! it was SO hard for dad and i to work in there hunched over! but so worth it now that the kids have a place for all their toys. they love it and want to camp out in there tonight.
the room's 8x30 with a boy side and a girl side (and threats from each camp to the other to leave their side alone!) we're not painting, but just letting the kids color on the drywall if they wish. em drew a butterfly already and mr drew daddy in his tool belt. :)
dad built a bench over the air ducts so they'd be safe (smart man) and that makes a great shelf for the toys. so now all the toys are in the kid room and their rooms are empty. maybe now they can keep them clean! (oh, one can dream!) :)

cursive for ballerinas

some days (well most) it's really nice to be homeschooling em. you won't find many schools that can let the kids dress up as a ballerina so they feel pretty and can do better practicing cursive writing! :)
she's doing great in some areas, not so great in others, and still cries over spelling tests as if missing one word means a sure ticket out of our family, but she's adjusting. we can sure tell it's better for her to be home this year. looking at all of her triggers and fears and trying to work with and around them and teach her in the best way possible, i sure can't imagine how teachers do it with a class full of kids!

the new beyond consequences book is out!

heather forbes' new book is here! i've ordered it already and am looking forward to it! maybe i'll read about some of you in there?! i would have submitted some success stories, but uh, i didn't have very many! not yet anyway. :)

http://www.beyondconsequences.com/volume2

rejection, the selfish part of being a RADical parent

i love the words from my fellow RADical mom about the frustration of parenting a RADical child. yeah it's hard and there are things to do and there is hope and we'll all keep on doing it as they heal (of course or why would we bother blogging?!), but i just love the way she expressed the part that hurts my heart in this whole process. check out the link below to read the whole thing. and don't try to fix it, they're just thoughts (and that's so annoying). i just love how she worded it!

"It is truly the frustration of loving a child and that child spending every moment of their life rejecting your efforts. It is the frustration of having a child appear to attack you and abuse you (verbally and in some cases, physically) every waking moment. It is the frustration of dedicating your life to their healing and everyone judging your parenting skills and assuming you are off your rocker."

read the entire snuggle time post by queen mommy at my radical family