Shew, RADical adjustment time here!

just a rant, don't fix me, it's annoying and rarely helpful. i've been a very poor RADical mom and they've been rotten little RADical kids, oh my! we're all still adjusting to life on the road, but the physical part is nothing. we're fine, having fun, plenty of room, lots to do, having a GREAT time, but at the same time it's a mental chaotic place that is no fun! dad and i are grouchy because the kids are grouchy, or vice versa, but it's hard to tell. they're being so mean to each other, fighting, being defiant, spacing out, making just stupid choices, and i KNOW we're all adjusting, but it's so hard to be patient!
every morning i wake up and resolve to be pleasant and nice, and first thing they do is something super mean, or super insane, and my mind shorts out. just like theirs, i get it. i know it's a transition and all their security is gone and they're freaked out whether they know it or not. i just wish that didn't make them do stupid things. why can't they just be depressed or cold or turn green? it's exhausting with all the seemingly unrelated stupid things that all come from their state of mind. i get it, i understand it, i'm just tired of it! i'm sure they are to, but this is my blog.
em doesn't know you need to rinse the dishes, mr can't find any socks, but won't look in his sock drawer. their eating is regressing and they look like toddlers at the table. em's having HUGE perfectionism issues. crying if she misses any "test" she thinks we're giving her. the other day i (very pleasantly after a very pleasant time together) said do you want to wear shorts or jeans hiking? she wouldn't decide and started to cry! i was so confused! as it made us late of course i wasn't patient which made her cry more. she finally said she didn't know which one i wanted her to choose and didn't want to choose the wrong one and get in trouble. i said i didn't care which one, so there was NO way she could choose wrong, unless she didn't choose! and somehow she managed to pick that one! i can understand if i was in a hurry or had yelled earlier, but it was out of nowhere. she's that scared to make a wrong choice. and while i get it, i'm SO tired of it! we love on her and assure her there's nothing she can do to make us stop. we point out the boys aren't perfect (they oddly enjoy that) and we love them, but she just won't get it. and i get why her brain won't get it, but i'm tired of it! of course i won't, but i feel like saying fine, then i don't love you, you're not perfect enough for me to love you, so now you can relax and be yourself for once! i KNOW i'd like the real her, if she'd just show it. of course as mentally chaotic as it's been, i'm sure it'll be a long time before she will. she's come a long way, but it sure feels like back to square one right now.
mr has a new "look" that just drives me crazy seeing it. like he's so confused about what he could possibly have done wrong. i honestly hate that look. not sure where it came from, but it's new, and very annoying. as soon as he does it, it's the sure sign that he's lying. and boy has he been pulling doozies lately, ugh. he's my finally attached little sweetheart, that's just being a big weenie!
both of them try to figure out what i really mean when i keep life SO simple for them. i'm very specific, pick up that blue pen on the table. and em starts to shake and looks around trying to figure out why i might need the pen or where else the pen could be and has an audible "ahh" like she's going to explode when all i want is exactly what i just said. i never give choices or am vague, but they always guess what else i could possibly mean, to ASSURE they get in trouble, when all they have to do is exactly what i say, which i make easy. ugh!
and really worst of all i think, our "normal" kid cj has really turned on them both. though that started long before we left. formerly loving, kind, giving, he's just a mean, hateful, selfish, little brat, all the time. we've dug into that too and he's very resentful of the "special" attention the other two have gotten, because they're broken. like going to therapy is fun?! he feels like we love them more and they don't get in trouble as much (course they feel the same!) but i hate the him vs. them feeling. it's awful. and no matter how much time with him, special privileges, time with daddy, he just doesn't ease up. he's super selfish and is always manipulating or bullying them. and when i talk to him, he does this sad baby act that oozes with selfishness. it breaks my heart because i can just see mean in his heart, not sadness like he's acting. i can see through it and it's just ugly. i'm scared it won't go away.
no, worst of all is i know i set the tone and i'm sucking that up really bad right now. i have a big work project deadline, very little internet so far which has really killed my productivity for that, and just lots of stress as we started out. but the more i focus on just being calm and fun, the more they just do stupid things that drive me crazy. and dad is great, he's been taking them all over so i can work in peace. but as soon as they get home, it's just back to the fighting and mean and acting stupid.
and JUST NOW of course i get an email from bryan post and read this:
"We all know that these adopted kids just need to be loved, but we are then left to try and figure out just how to get to and keep that place of love in our hearts when these little darlings show the dark side of their trauma histories. "
yep, that's me! i've forgotten. better go listen...
(and thank you for listening! now i'll go be a better mom, shew, needed that rant...)