Post-Orlando let down, aka re-entry

I went to Orlando again. And it's just as hard to describe. But I finally have words for one part and wanted to share.

I was on a pedestal...
...It was hard to step off.

Here's what happened. In Orlando, moms praise you for ANYTHING you do. Seriously.
Take the 5K. If you run it, they cheer. If you walk it, they cheer. If you hoop at the finish line instead, they cheer. If you cheer for others, they cheer. If you quit, they cheer. If you stay home in bed, they cheer. If you drive a van, they hold up the finish line and cheer. Whatever you want or need to do for you, they cheer.
And the same goes for your RADical parenting. Good or bad, they cheer, because at least you're doing it. Here's a quote from last year's post...

I was reminded that I do a lot of things right, and even more wrong, but greatly encouraged because I DO them. Did you catch that?
These moms thought I was awesome just because I do them.
Most people have no idea that I do them.
Can you imagine? I honestly wish every single one of you could. For the FIRST time ever, I felt fully loved, respected, appreciated, and encouraged by people other than my husband who fully understand what it's like to live with RAD.

Dealing with my RADical life, I sometimes "step down". I might not actually put normal other moms on a pedestal, but I do take a step below them in my mind. I have more to deal with, I get overwhelmed, I don't always do a good job, etc. I don't think they're better, luckier maybe, but I see them on a different level from me. So in my daily life, I know I'm trying and sometimes I'm amazing, but I just feel a step below.

In Orlando, moms say GET UP THERE MAMA! Step up here on this pedestal and let me tell you how awesome you are! I can't argue, because they're busy climbing up with me. And it's so fun at the top. It's a weekend beyond description (at least for now)...

Then you go home.

And no one sees the pedestal. They want food, love, attention, time, clean dishes... They don't ask if you'd like to sleep in, or eat this bag of cookies, or stay up late with your friends, or learn to knit, or soak in the hot tub, or read in peace. And more importantly, they don't tell you how awesome you are.

I was angry, but I wasn't sure why.
Sure, there's payback for mom being gone for days, we all expect that from RADicals.
Sure, there's a mourning period after such a refreshing retreat from RADical real life.
And sure, you miss your wonderful, supportive friends.
But after all that, I was still mad and didn't even know why. I should be happy. It was great, I learned a lot, and I was very glad to be home. But I was mad, resentful, mean even!

After a few arguments discussions with my poor husband, I finally realized I forgot to step off of the pedestal and get back to life. I'm still completely awesome and my heart's still perched up there grinning, but I needed to start using the tools I received to be an awesome mom. I had to get out of bed, put away the snacks, and start loving on my family again.

And guess what? I was happy!

And guess what else? I didn't step back down below the normal other moms. I stepped right there beside them. Budge over ladies, make room. This mom is awesome, even when I'm not awesome, whether I'm on my pedestal or not!

I ♥ Orlando.

You first

Thought of the day: You know how Christine is always saying we can’t not do what we ask our children to do? (Yes, I hate her too.) But I’ve been thinking about all of us. The same way we simply want our kids to ACCEPT our love, that we freely offer NO MATTER WHAT they are/say/do… God loves every one of us NO MATTER WHAT we are/say/do. EVEN IF we have a horrible day of yelling, we shame our kids, we push them away, we think terrible thoughts, we say hurtful things… He still loves us. Period. We beg our kids to accept that, yet we think how could God love us when we’re struggling so bad, or ready to give up, or have given up, or don’t give him a second thought. He’s still there and he still simply loves us. No matter what. Think about this the next time you frustratingly tell your daughter “Will you PUH-LEASE just realize we love you NO MATTER WHAT?”
You first.

RADical Atlanta group

RADical new website alert! I just learned about this resource for any of you near Atlanta. They'd love for it to go national one day too. If you're in GA, check it out!

Traumatized Adoptive Parents Support (TAPS)
http://tapsupport.blogspot.com
We are organizing a new support network for metro Atlanta to:
befriend and support each other, enjoy each others' company, affirm each others' experiences, find ways to help our children, back each other up, have each other to depend upon in emergencies, and for everyday help.

RADical moments

I haven't blogged, mostly because I feel heard, supported, and most importantly UNDERSTOOD by trauma mamas I've connected with from Orlando. I heart Orlando.
But just because I went to Orlando doesn't mean our lives are no longer RADical. I mean, we live in an RV. We have 400 square feet of RADical. We have 24/7/365 of RADical. I just whine about it less, on my blog anyway.

Recent moments:

☹ May I just say I should not have to buy diapers we're out of because 1) he's 9 and 2) we've stayed at Walmarts (in the RV) the last few nights so we literally LIVE there & he's not mentioned it each time we go in & shop?! Argh!

♥ My daughter was acting really weird and I started to poke fun, remembered that's not nice, and realized she was feeling love! So I've been singing about how much she really loves love she just is afraid of loving love and she's saying noooooo but smiling and singing too.

♥ Guess what?!!! I'm the "yes-sayer!" I've always been quick to say no. Mom always told us no before we could even ask and I tend to to the same. Lately I've been REALLY focusing on saying yes. My son wanted something and asked me first, I said, yes. He said "Yes! I knew you'd say yes, because you're the yes-sayer"! LOVE! :)

☹ Why why why why cant I remember to expect trouble?! We move *ahem* very often so we always have a transition day of general badness and I expect it. This time we were busy on moving day and loved exploring (we're in the middle of nowhere in the desert) then had visitors the next day so I let my guard down. Ugh! The day after was our crap day and it took me by surprise, again. Halfway through, we both say ohhhhhh that's why they're insane today. Argh!

Find a (RADical) Friend!

Check out what Diana at Gold to Refine is developing! Find a Friend is a network to help parents of traumatized or otherwise special needs children find each other in real life.


More info: http://goldtorefine.blogspot.com/2012/01/find-friend-update.html

RAD resources

Help! I want ONE place to send to RAD moms who need help and hope.

I want a good all-inclusive list for RAD info, but that's hard! Here's what I've compiled so far, but I want to shorten it to one place and better info.
PLEASE POST ANY SUGGESTIONS!

Christine's videos are wonderful and very honest AND let you laugh so I'd start there. I think the sites are informative, but have found the best support on other blogs of moms who get it.

Therapeutic Parenting DVD
Chaos to Healing is a 99 minute Therapeutic Parenting 101 DVD by Christine Moers and Billy Kaplan. Watch it, then watch it again. You are welcome.
Need to watch it right this second? Yeah, you can do that with Amazon Instant Video!

Blog and videos
Christine is a great trauma mama. welcometomybrain.net
MUST SEE Videos: youtube.com/profile?user=christinemoers (What you do with pee is the BEST!)

Books
Therapeutic Parenting Manual by Denise Best - great handbook!
Beyondconsequences.com These books helped but only after we saw a video and really got it. The brain function info is great, although this approach is a struggle with our normal, and our RADicals' history of not trusting.
The Connected Child: Bring hope and healing to your adoptive family.

Orlando RAD retreat
Info about Orlando, a gathering for trauma mamas that is amazing. I highly recommend it.
momsfindhealing.com

Sites with RAD info
Attach.org
Attachmentdisorder.net
Radkid.org

Definitions of RAD
Definition of RAD in our home.
Wikipedia's definition of RAD.
Great article for teachers and others dealing with our RADical kids.

Good blog posts
Blessedby10.blogspot.com/2010/04/so-you-want-to-adopt-through-foster.html
attachmentdisordermaryland.com/parenting.htm

RAD Facebook groups
Moms of Attachment Challenged Children

RAD Forum/Community
Trauma Headquarters

Some RAD blogs
Goldtorefine.blogspot.com
Reactiveattachmentdisorderlife.blogspot.com
Mommyneedstherapy.blogspot.com
Stellarparenting.com
My-rad-life.blogspot.com

AGAIN PLEASE POST ANY SUGGESTIONS TO MAKE THIS SHORT, SWEET, BUT HELPFUL, THANKS!

Ten ways to support a RAD mom

I came across this article on a RAD moms group and love it! Thought you might too.
http://adoption.families.com/blog/ten-ways-to-support-to-a-rad-mom

I haven't posted here forever! But I realize it's probably because of said RAD moms group. It's been so helpful to have supportive people who get it as close as my keyboard!

Orlando

When you hear Orlando in "normal" circles, you think Disney World. When you hear it in RADical circles, it's said with the same awe, but means something else. I can't link you to a specific website that says this is Orlando, because Orlando is bigger than that. It's some kind of gooey cloud of support and love that floats around covering different people in different ways. Yes, that's a bit of a cop-out because it's just that hard to describe! Read this post and those below for other descriptions.
In short, Orlando is a weekend for just trauma mamas called SOUL Sisters (Supporting Our Unconventional Lives). Mostly moms of kids with early trauma and attachment issues (aka RADicals, like ours).
In long, Orlando is amazing. Yes, I realize that's actually shorter. It's not just what you do there, or who you meet there, or what you learn there, it's just BEING THERE.
Being with 68 women who actually live in your shoes. People who understand better than the best therapist ever could and don't care what you say, because they're saying it too. Hearing conversations that start with "The first time my son tried to kill me" and not being surprised. Having conversations where you tell people what your REAL life is like, and not holding back for fear of shocking them. Never saying "we're fine thanks" because they'd know that was a lie and also because they actually want to know. Hearing stories that make you so appreciative of how far your kids have come, and others that give you hope of how far they can go, and others that remind you that you're so not ready to adopt any more!
It was also a refreshing getaway. I slept in, stayed in my jammies, took hour long showers, and read til the wee hours. I took lots of mental notes and just soaked in how other moms deal with kids, situations, and feelings. I heard great new ideas and ways to handle them. I was reminded that I do a lot of things right, and even more wrong, but greatly encouraged because I DO them.
Did you catch that?
These moms thought I was awesome just because I do them.
Most people have no idea that I do them.
Can you imagine? I honestly wish every single one of you could. For the FIRST time ever, I felt fully loved, respected, appreciated, and encouraged by people other than my husband who fully understand what it's like to live with RAD.
I also got to meet RADical moms I've read about for years. Christine, Lisa, Ali, and so so so many more. Well, 67 more. 67 more amazing women who are rock stars for even SURVIVING RAD, let alone helping their kids to heal. And the theme of the weekend? I am not alone. I'm not! You're not! I have a rock that says so and a Supergirl ring to remind me AND now a MAP OF OTHER TRAUMA MAMAS! (That map is both encouraging and heartbreaking. So much hurt all over the map.)
There's so much more, tattoos, pedicures, hooping, table dancing, laughing, crying, watching others run a 5k (while eating, in my jammies)... but you just had to be there. I thank Corey and Christine from the bottom of my RADical heart for letting me be there, at the last minute, and I pray I can go again next year!
Most of the group after a Greek dinner, during which most of us danced on tables at some point.
My amazing housemates after the Greek dinner.
Our house on the last day. I wish they all had RVs and we did a RADical caravan around the country!
More pics from the Orlando Flickr group (these pics shamelessly lifted from there).

More Orlando posts (oh my, so many!):
The Waggoners

Kristine

Mighty Isis
Sarah

Beemommy

Christine of WelcomeToMyBrain.net (another and another)
Corey - Saturday
Corey - Friday
Corey - Advance party
Ali
Roz
Storing Up Treasures (and again)

Mothering for Money
Marty's Musings
Ranch Chico
The Accidental Mommy
Story of Our Life
Sarah
Our Fab Five
Christina
The Short Bus
The Other Mother
CORoots
Mothering for Money
Peace in Puzzles (another and another)
Mama Drama
Stellar Parenting (another)

My Sweeter Chaos

Why North Dakota

Lisa
Sarah
GB's Mom
Brandy
Last Mom
Diana
Tiruba Tuba
With Love From Sumy
Stacey
D
Jamey (another and another)

Attachment parenting?

First of all, I think these parents are 100% correct and actually love what they're doing and admit this post is motivated completely by jealousy on my part...
With that out of the way, does anyone else get annoyed with normal people who do attachment parenting? Don't get me wrong, I love that they do, just not that they call it that. I want to scream that's simply parenting! That's how it should be! (Granted, it is quite different than much of today's normal parenting but they're already attached!)
I get that they're using great principles and increasing attachment (and aware of doing so) and doing it to a new level even and that they rock, but if you have attachment, it's sooooo different than trying to get attachment. If there's no RAD, trauma, or the many, many other issues that make trying to get attachment so um, insane, well, that's just good parenting! That's easy! (As easy as parenting is, which it isn't, but it's not trauma parenting!) But that's what so many of us would like to go back in time and get, to attach from the beginning and not have to fight so hard for it.
Is that horrible? That's okay, it's my blog. But does anyone else get annoyed with it? Does anyone else want to say dump your baby out of that sling, give him to someone else to abuse for a few years, THEN see if you can do it? I know, that IS horrible.
And see, total jealousy on my part, I know. I guess selfishly I'm saying I do what you do, but mine is way, way harder. Wahh, what a baby. :)

I get to go to Orlando!!!

Oh my word! I get to go to Orlando next weekend!!! I'm still in shock! I saw Christine post on Twitter about coming to Orlando and just asked about her schedule, because we're currently near Orlando and I hoped to say hi. THEN I realized that she's coming for THE Orlando getaway that I had already written off last year thinking we wouldn't still be in Florida in March. Well, thanks to my procrastination of an event that I pushed back to later in March, I'm IN Florida, near Orlando, available, AND Christine had an opening in her house! (There are many houses this year!)
So, all of a sudden, I get to have a RADical weekend with many other RADical moms! How exciting is that?
Who else is going?? More info on Orlando here!
And here is my roommate! http://ramblingsofatraumamamma.blogspot.com/
And THAT Lisa from Life in the Grateful House?! And Ali from Crawford Life & Times?! And a new RVing family I'd heard about?!
I'm seriously freaking out here!

Poor neocortex

Ever start reading a book & it says this function (that your child
needs) happens in the neocortex and you think "aw crap, well count
mine out?!" Then you remember that's WHY you're reading the book &
just wonder if it's worth your time? Me either. Cause that would stink.
Sometimes I think brain transplant is really the best answer. Not a
good one, granted, just the best one...

Hmmm

Ever have one of those days (weeks... months... years...) where you
feel like saying screw the attaching, I just want obedience? Ever
sometimes think maybe heartless robots aren't so bad? Like yeah I may
not have a relationship with them later, but at least they'd behave
now? Or yeah they obey out of fear but at least they obey?
Yeah, I've totally never felt that way, ever. Really. Just thought
maybe some of you other trauma mamas have. *sigh*

We're fine!

I did it! I did it! I did it! "I'm fine, thanks." Well the idea anyway. Saw some (wonderful!) RVing families and as I teased (to moms getting little sleep) that with adopting ours we didn't have to deal with sleepless nights, someone said "Ah, and they probably were already potty trained too!" To which I simply said "No, I wish, but no." BUT I didn't elaborate! I didn't tell them that pee is STILL the bane of my existence even now, 5 years later with kids that soooooo should be past peeing. I didn't say that yes, my first was potty trained at 2, setting me up for the torturous next gazillion pee years of my life. I didn't say my kids have more issues than you can count, oh woe is me! I didn't say anything! I also didn't bow, so I will now... *bows*

Yay!

I did not yell ONCE today. *bows* AND I had a migraine AND the kids were being loud (AND don't forget we live in a small space) BUT I didn't yell. AND my daughter asked if we could have a sleepover together soon, just the two of us. :)
I know some of you are great at staying regulated and couldn't imagine yelling at anyone, but I'm, well, not. But I'm working on it... and it's actually getting much easier... thank goodness!

She loves!

We (hubby & I only) took a 3 day road trip & left the kids to be happily spoiled by the grands. They had a ball of course, but I noticed Em being happier than usual to see us & even clingy. Tonight she sat at the table eating a piece of cake & said...
Dad, I've decided something. I like living in an RV. It's cozy & close & we're more together & I like that.
My heart swelled & my jaw did NOT drop (that was hard). I helped her put words to it & said that sounds like you're feeling love & you like it. THEN before she could (would) object & play the "No I hate love" game, I said & you like sugar too isn't this cake yummy?
Score: 1 for everyone tonight!