an interesting mommy/daughter time, slumber party!

i was pretty busy today with company work, house work, yard work, just too much work! but dad and em had a really nice day together. i felt guilty because i need to be more nurturing and spend more one-on-one time with her. after all, that is the sole reason she's homeschooling right now! dad makes it convenient and does a great job with her, but i need to step up more and stick to it. we discussed it last night because i was feeling down, and i'm just having a hard time wanting to. it's so hard when nothing is reciprocated. it's like pulling a stranger on your lap and trying to show them love and help them love you, even after all this time. if you're a RADical mom, hopefully you can relate, if you're not, don't even try. anyway, i felt bad. feel bad. because i don't want to waste this year. i feel like it's my only chance to really reach her. it's my only time i can be with just her and do the mom things she missed growing up. (wahh, what a crybaby, anyway...)
so after my busy day, i wanted to at least do our AT "homework" of holding her for 5 minutes (all she can handle right now). i had to do a little abbreviated holding time with mr tonight (that's a whole other post for another day though) and once he finally relaxed and was good, i had him hop down and told em to hop up. to my amazement, she didn't even complain about having to get off the computer or whine about having to do "homework" (which she despises). even after hearing how miserable mr was (and boy did he put on the show)! so i was a little caught off guard. she hopped up and relaxed and even looked me in the eye without it being a staredown. it was strange! i wish i could say i just went with it and acted as if that was normal, but i said you aren't freaking out right now! she laughed comfortably (as opposed to the usual giggle uncontrollably) and i said hm, maybe you are starting to think you could like me just a little. maybe i just might not be that bad of a mom to have around. and back to RADland, she said is that a mole or a pimple? ah, back to reality (or unreality), but i saw a glimpse! i just changed the subject and chatted about her pizzy party and let her tell me how fun that was.
AND THEN (there's more? yep!) she said will you feed me something? (remember we've decided food's the way to her heart) but i was shocked that she wanted to in this close, cozy setting. so i got her a carmel (sugar and sucking motion) and chatted just a bit more about she's okay and safe. how her brain still thinks she has to be perfect or we'll make her leave. i told her i'd definitely feel the exact same way if my mom chose to do drugs and didn't take care of me. she asked some questions and we talked through how she couldn't have changed what happened and what her first mom did. how she can't change how we feel... not a new conversation by any means, but a very close, comfy one for a change. no more stupid questions or changing the subject, just a real conversation. and when i felt she had enough, i had her hop down and off she went. very interesting!
now i need to keep at it and do it more often and hopefully catch her in some quick moments like that. oh, tomorrow night we're having a slumber party, just the two of us. our AT suggested it as a way to get some concentrated together time. we're going to stay up late, eat candy, do each other's nails, and i'll even sleep up in her room. should be interesting. i'm guessing the uncontrolled giggler will return as that's a lot of mommy time. hopefully she'll feel a little love though, even if she won't like it just yet. one day!

it's okay, you're safe

so we've been doing the beyond consequences thing, (fairly well when i'm trying hard and pretty poorly when i'm not) and reassuring em that she's safe, we love her, and she's not going anywhere. not when she verbally worries about those things, because she never does, but when she cries because she can't do a math problem, or loses a game, or can't find a bucket. we know it's out of fear (about something bigger, not just frustration over the problem).
i (lovingly!) say honey, i love you whether you can find a bucket or not. even if you can never find a bucket, i'll always love you and that will never change. it's okay, you're safe. i know your brain thinks that if you're not perfect i won't love you and you'll have to leave, but that's not true. you are so stuck with me no matter what.
at first, especially when it was a seemingly unrelated thing (like crying over math), i'd give her the it's okay, you're safe speech and she would say huh? what are you talking about? and later, why are you talking about that now? and she'd always argue, no i'm not worried about that!
but now, i've noticed she just listens. it's like she's realizing that she does feel that way and she likes being reassured. not sure if she really does, or if she's just tired of arguing. :)

school closed early today due to a brain meltdown

today was definitely a day where public school couldn't have done em a lick of good. not that we did any at home either! her brain just shut down today and we realized she wasn't going to learn a thing, so we didn't fight it and gave her a day off. i figure it's from a board game she lost last night, she took that pretty hard. it was a trivia game, so not a game of chance, and she couldn't be perfect, so we probably won't love her anymore. what horrible pressure in that little brain of hers!!
but she was confused, forgetting things, going the wrong direction, everything was so painfully hard (and it so wasn't), she couldn't remember that when you get to the end of a line you read down to the next one, etc. so she got to play. not productive of course, but school wouldn't be either on her days like this. and it’s so frustrating because no amount of love, nurturing, understanding, encouragement, support, does a bit of good. you can see it coming, understand why it happens, but do nothing about it. my logical brain hates that!
one funny conversation dad tried to have with her. i can't remember the details, but it was basically "your brain is not able to focus on this thing and i'm trying to teach you how to" and she cuts him off and asks "what's your real name? i mean what's on your birth certificate?" it was so sad it was almost funny! probably as close to the opposite as her brain could get from whatever it was supposed to be focusing on...

i'm buying my daughter's love with milk duds

i know it's not exactly buying her love, but sometimes it feels that way! i'm sure some of you can relate. (hopefully) i understand the whole milk and sugar and sweet and nurturing and all that stuff her brain needs to attach, and i understand that she missed that as a baby, so i do it. but some days it just feels like i'm bribing her to like me. :) but em decided in therapy that food was the way to her heart, so we're going with it. any way to get to that deeply hidden, walled up, closed off heart!
but i had to share one success from last night. em's been doing some extra laundry helping because she's made more work for me by putting clean (folded still!) clothes in the hamper instead of away in her room. so last night i told her she had a load of socks to match up and she threw a little whining fit. i got a "but i don't like doing it" and my "well i don't like it either but i do it all the time, even for your clean clothes" lecture wasn't effective of course. it was the end of the night so i was fried, tired, and irritated and really wanted to yell just stop whining and do it! but i tried to be a good RADical mom, took a deep breath, and thought how can i salvage this? so i went back in, gave her a milk dud to make it easier, then stayed to help her do it. and it turned around completely! she kept saying this is so much fun, it's like a matching game, i love doing this, this is cool... so i was very pleased! small success, but still a success! and i think it's more of a success for me, for sucking it up and acting like a good mom no matter how she was acting. that's hard for me! anyway, just had to share. :)

i highly recommend this!

i signed up for these daily emails (and let me tell you, that's a serious decision for someone with 300 emails in there to answer!) and i'm SO glad i did. i'm not really one for daily inspirational anything. don't like those books, calendars, etc. i'm pretty much a "suck it up" type who wants the simple scientific explanation to digest and i'll feel good about things later.
anyway, i LOVE these and i'm so glad i get them. i'm keeping them and will compile them for future reference too. they're very short and sweet with some plain talk about raising RADicals with love and peace (and i so need that peace). it is encouraging and i like getting one each day. i'm not sure how many there are yet. but i love that they're very common sense and great reminders about simple concepts that seem very complex when you look at RAD as a whole.
it's from heather forbes at beyondconsequences.com if you're interested:
Heather's Daily Parenting Reflection

some of my favorites:
- Change the course of your parenting today and change the course of your family history for generations to come.
- Controlling actions only teach controlling lessons.
- In order to 'correct' your child's behavior, you must work to 'correct' your child's emotional state, helping and guiding him to shift from a state of fear to a state of love.
- The greatest gift you can give to your children is you. Spend time with them, help them through their struggles, and love them through their behaviors.