school closed early today due to a brain meltdown

today was definitely a day where public school couldn't have done em a lick of good. not that we did any at home either! her brain just shut down today and we realized she wasn't going to learn a thing, so we didn't fight it and gave her a day off. i figure it's from a board game she lost last night, she took that pretty hard. it was a trivia game, so not a game of chance, and she couldn't be perfect, so we probably won't love her anymore. what horrible pressure in that little brain of hers!!
but she was confused, forgetting things, going the wrong direction, everything was so painfully hard (and it so wasn't), she couldn't remember that when you get to the end of a line you read down to the next one, etc. so she got to play. not productive of course, but school wouldn't be either on her days like this. and it’s so frustrating because no amount of love, nurturing, understanding, encouragement, support, does a bit of good. you can see it coming, understand why it happens, but do nothing about it. my logical brain hates that!
one funny conversation dad tried to have with her. i can't remember the details, but it was basically "your brain is not able to focus on this thing and i'm trying to teach you how to" and she cuts him off and asks "what's your real name? i mean what's on your birth certificate?" it was so sad it was almost funny! probably as close to the opposite as her brain could get from whatever it was supposed to be focusing on...

our hysterically-giggly-when-she-feels-feelings girl, and our proud boy

whenever em starts to feel love, she gets insanely giggly. like a weird maniacal completely out of control fit of the strangest laughter. it's a little scary, and quite annoying, especially if *i* am feeling love! (cause many of you know as a RADical mom you just want to GET to feel love sometime, dangit!)
tonight at dinner we were all just talking quietly and enjoying each other's company and she broke out into the crazies. she couldn't figure out why and we told her she was feeling love and that just scared her brain and she didn't know how to handle it. we said we'd keep giving her love and eventually she'll get used to it. but still, knowing why doesn't make it that much easier to tolerate. and while annoying, it's also just depressing knowing that she really doesn't feel loved like an 8 year old should.

yesterday mr had OT and mr jeff (therapist) really praised his behavior and self-control (yay!) with a good explanation and examples. so of course i gave lots of pizazz about that and he was all proud (something he's really digging lately). when we saw dad, he said mom tell dad what mr jeff said! so i said very excitedly that mr jeff said matt was really good today! but that wasn't enough. mr said mom, tell him all the other stuff too! :) it was so cute. i'm so glad he's finally feeling pride!

if only we could share his self esteem!

cj's always been quite sure of himself. not sure if that's just natural or if we've pumped him full of believe-in-yourself-ness, but he's always believed he's the best at everything he's ever done or thought of doing. :) we've even *tried* to knock him down a few notches in some areas, like singing for example. he always wants solos and such and the boy can't sing at all, he's really bad. now dad and i can't either, so it's not a "you're not as good as us" type thing. it's more "God hasn't gifted you in that area so you should really concentrate on the other areas." anyway, he's so sure of himself, he doesn't believe if we tell him he's not the best. talk about indestructible self-esteem!
now he's playing football and isn't doing so well. he barely plays, yet he insists that he's the starting center. well he is, but for the third string! so trying to get him to work harder, get the coach to notice him more, and see reason, i explained that third string was the worst team. he said no, just the other two teams play then we play. but no matter what we say, football, singing, whatever, you can NOT convince this boy he's not the best. he does work very hard, so it's not just arrogance, it's just through the roof self-confidence.
dad said it would be awesome if we could give just one ounce of that to em and mr. with those two, you can NOT convince them they are even half way good at anything. polar opposites in the confidence area. they're both talented, cute as can be with blue eyes and dimples, and em sings like an angel, but neither has a lick of self-esteem. dad thinks it's in the negative numbers. :)
anyway, yet another interesting difference between the children in our home.

hoping for a good first day of school. i remember when...

mr will start kindergarten this week. i'll send him off praying all goes well, and hoping it's better than em's first day of first grade two years ago. it was her first year at a new school and she'd had very bad experiences with her first mom forgetting to pick her up. of course she said she was never scared (which is sad, cause she should have been, but she was used to it). here's an email i sent to friends that day recounting the story...
Yeah, first day of school and Em’s not on the bus when it drops Cj off!!! Cj yells out the window that Em’s not there, the driver asks us if we have her. So I tear back into the house and out the back door into the van and race down the road. In the meantime apparently, Dad turns around to tell me he’ll go to school and I can stay home with the boys but instead I called him and said I was halfway to school. Fortunately we’re 2.5 miles from school and apparently if you’re in a hurry it takes 1.5 minutes to get there. My worries were two-fold, first if she was at school feeling let down yet again. Her mom used to forget her, a lot (amounting to child endangering charges) so I thought here we are first day of school and I’ve let her down. (How do I make her understand we didn’t forget her? How do I make her not be scared? How do I tell her this is different?...)Or someone else picked her up and I’ll have to kill someone. (Where do I look first? I’ll have to call the police, but I’m not waiting on them. I can use my big Honda key, that’ll go all the way thru the eye into the brain!...)I didn’t know which one I hoped for! That was a horrible feeling knowing that either option would be bad, either for her physically or mentally or both. Man I was fuming!So I got there and they were on the radio with the bus driver still. Then they radioed all the drivers and another bus says they have her, she’d just gotten on the wrong one. Shew!!!! So I asked the secretary nicely (well okay I yelled a lot) how this happened and she said her teacher puts her on the bus, so I said well I need her teacher up here right now. So she got there and I yelled more. Then she explained the process and all that and the principal came in and joined the conversation. He said what exactly happened, I’m not sure I understand. I said you lost my daughter, that’s what. And I might have yelled more. Then we went on to discuss security and how they would from now on be sure she’s physically on the bus and what they’ll do if anyone else tries to pick her up, etc. Btw, they’ll call the police (state law), but also call me since I’m close (and can come dish out justice my own self!). I told them how important this was to her self esteem and feeling of security and all that, plus that her former family is a security risk and unstable and all that. I really don’t think we’ll have any more issues, as I don’t think any of them are likely to forget this for a while. She got home an hour later after a long boring bus ride, not a bit scared, just laughed that she got on the wrong bus. That says something for her feeling of security, so that was great to see. She and Cj both now know to tell the driver if the other’s not on there from now on too. And her teacher even called to be sure she got home okay and was alright. We can’t tell what happened, but Em said she was in line but the principal said the bus was over “there” but she went over “there” the wrong way. She’s not good at paying attention, but then I personally don’t think a 6 yr old should have the opportunity to be wrong, especially on the first day. But like I said, I doubt it’ll happen again. I’ll probably need to apologize to those three at the open house in a few days. But at least they know how important it is. Sigh, so thus ends the first day of school! :)