an interesting mommy/daughter time, slumber party!

i was pretty busy today with company work, house work, yard work, just too much work! but dad and em had a really nice day together. i felt guilty because i need to be more nurturing and spend more one-on-one time with her. after all, that is the sole reason she's homeschooling right now! dad makes it convenient and does a great job with her, but i need to step up more and stick to it. we discussed it last night because i was feeling down, and i'm just having a hard time wanting to. it's so hard when nothing is reciprocated. it's like pulling a stranger on your lap and trying to show them love and help them love you, even after all this time. if you're a RADical mom, hopefully you can relate, if you're not, don't even try. anyway, i felt bad. feel bad. because i don't want to waste this year. i feel like it's my only chance to really reach her. it's my only time i can be with just her and do the mom things she missed growing up. (wahh, what a crybaby, anyway...)
so after my busy day, i wanted to at least do our AT "homework" of holding her for 5 minutes (all she can handle right now). i had to do a little abbreviated holding time with mr tonight (that's a whole other post for another day though) and once he finally relaxed and was good, i had him hop down and told em to hop up. to my amazement, she didn't even complain about having to get off the computer or whine about having to do "homework" (which she despises). even after hearing how miserable mr was (and boy did he put on the show)! so i was a little caught off guard. she hopped up and relaxed and even looked me in the eye without it being a staredown. it was strange! i wish i could say i just went with it and acted as if that was normal, but i said you aren't freaking out right now! she laughed comfortably (as opposed to the usual giggle uncontrollably) and i said hm, maybe you are starting to think you could like me just a little. maybe i just might not be that bad of a mom to have around. and back to RADland, she said is that a mole or a pimple? ah, back to reality (or unreality), but i saw a glimpse! i just changed the subject and chatted about her pizzy party and let her tell me how fun that was.
AND THEN (there's more? yep!) she said will you feed me something? (remember we've decided food's the way to her heart) but i was shocked that she wanted to in this close, cozy setting. so i got her a carmel (sugar and sucking motion) and chatted just a bit more about she's okay and safe. how her brain still thinks she has to be perfect or we'll make her leave. i told her i'd definitely feel the exact same way if my mom chose to do drugs and didn't take care of me. she asked some questions and we talked through how she couldn't have changed what happened and what her first mom did. how she can't change how we feel... not a new conversation by any means, but a very close, comfy one for a change. no more stupid questions or changing the subject, just a real conversation. and when i felt she had enough, i had her hop down and off she went. very interesting!
now i need to keep at it and do it more often and hopefully catch her in some quick moments like that. oh, tomorrow night we're having a slumber party, just the two of us. our AT suggested it as a way to get some concentrated together time. we're going to stay up late, eat candy, do each other's nails, and i'll even sleep up in her room. should be interesting. i'm guessing the uncontrolled giggler will return as that's a lot of mommy time. hopefully she'll feel a little love though, even if she won't like it just yet. one day!

it's okay, you're safe

so we've been doing the beyond consequences thing, (fairly well when i'm trying hard and pretty poorly when i'm not) and reassuring em that she's safe, we love her, and she's not going anywhere. not when she verbally worries about those things, because she never does, but when she cries because she can't do a math problem, or loses a game, or can't find a bucket. we know it's out of fear (about something bigger, not just frustration over the problem).
i (lovingly!) say honey, i love you whether you can find a bucket or not. even if you can never find a bucket, i'll always love you and that will never change. it's okay, you're safe. i know your brain thinks that if you're not perfect i won't love you and you'll have to leave, but that's not true. you are so stuck with me no matter what.
at first, especially when it was a seemingly unrelated thing (like crying over math), i'd give her the it's okay, you're safe speech and she would say huh? what are you talking about? and later, why are you talking about that now? and she'd always argue, no i'm not worried about that!
but now, i've noticed she just listens. it's like she's realizing that she does feel that way and she likes being reassured. not sure if she really does, or if she's just tired of arguing. :)

school closed early today due to a brain meltdown

today was definitely a day where public school couldn't have done em a lick of good. not that we did any at home either! her brain just shut down today and we realized she wasn't going to learn a thing, so we didn't fight it and gave her a day off. i figure it's from a board game she lost last night, she took that pretty hard. it was a trivia game, so not a game of chance, and she couldn't be perfect, so we probably won't love her anymore. what horrible pressure in that little brain of hers!!
but she was confused, forgetting things, going the wrong direction, everything was so painfully hard (and it so wasn't), she couldn't remember that when you get to the end of a line you read down to the next one, etc. so she got to play. not productive of course, but school wouldn't be either on her days like this. and it’s so frustrating because no amount of love, nurturing, understanding, encouragement, support, does a bit of good. you can see it coming, understand why it happens, but do nothing about it. my logical brain hates that!
one funny conversation dad tried to have with her. i can't remember the details, but it was basically "your brain is not able to focus on this thing and i'm trying to teach you how to" and she cuts him off and asks "what's your real name? i mean what's on your birth certificate?" it was so sad it was almost funny! probably as close to the opposite as her brain could get from whatever it was supposed to be focusing on...

my little girl felt good enough to be bad! yay (i think)!

today em wanted a snack (or she'd dieeeeeeeeeee), so i said it's almost dinner time, but since i don't want you to die, you can have raisins. (she hates raisins and was bored, not hungry). after whining (and doing 10 pushups for whining) she went to look for the raisins. she came back and said they were gone (i heard her rustling the bag they were in and had seen them earlier so i knew they weren't gone). so i said i'd be happy to help her find them. to my surprise they weren't in there! so i moved some things around and found them hidden behind a box (in a non-accidental place) and was completely SHOCKED. i said wow, i'm very surprised that you lied to me and hid the raisins. she said i didn't. i said i didn't ask if you did, i know that you did, i'm just surprised. i heard you and know you did it. and she was shocked that i knew and hung her head and admitted it.
now, as a RADical, you know that telling lies isn't out of character. BUT for em, hiding something, doing something sneaky and conniving, is WAY out of character. if you've read her (very long) bio, she is a perfectly perfect perfectionist who is afraid to do anything bad for fear of having to leave.
so i'm thinking a possibility is she felt secure enough to take a chance on being rotten! to lie about something ridiculous is a RAD thing. to lie to stay out of trouble is a normal thing. to be sneaky and rotten i think is a normal thing too! *i* would have done that as a kid! :) i really think she (at least at that time) felt like a normal kid that just wanted a yummy snack instead of yucky raisins so she tried to figure out how to tricky that mean mommy into it. and she forgot to stop and think oh, i could do that but if mommy catches me, she'll make me leave like before.
i'm sure some RADicals are sneaky, but my RADical is SO not! it was so out of character for her that i really think it meant something. might not last the rest of the day, but i'm claiming it as a good moment!
oh, and the pic is of her caterpillar friend who spent the day with (mostly on) her the other day!

our hysterically-giggly-when-she-feels-feelings girl, and our proud boy

whenever em starts to feel love, she gets insanely giggly. like a weird maniacal completely out of control fit of the strangest laughter. it's a little scary, and quite annoying, especially if *i* am feeling love! (cause many of you know as a RADical mom you just want to GET to feel love sometime, dangit!)
tonight at dinner we were all just talking quietly and enjoying each other's company and she broke out into the crazies. she couldn't figure out why and we told her she was feeling love and that just scared her brain and she didn't know how to handle it. we said we'd keep giving her love and eventually she'll get used to it. but still, knowing why doesn't make it that much easier to tolerate. and while annoying, it's also just depressing knowing that she really doesn't feel loved like an 8 year old should.

yesterday mr had OT and mr jeff (therapist) really praised his behavior and self-control (yay!) with a good explanation and examples. so of course i gave lots of pizazz about that and he was all proud (something he's really digging lately). when we saw dad, he said mom tell dad what mr jeff said! so i said very excitedly that mr jeff said matt was really good today! but that wasn't enough. mr said mom, tell him all the other stuff too! :) it was so cute. i'm so glad he's finally feeling pride!

child #1 is off to school, child #2 has started homeschool, and child #3 keeps pooping...

cj went off to the 3rd grade today (sniff), while em started her homeschooling, and mr had a meeting with his teacher (the poor guy).
em enjoyed her day. it was very relaxed and fun and we just introduced her to a bit of what she'll be doing (which isn't much!) yesterday she was grilling me with nonsense questions about a bird in the yard (refer to RAD list), so today she interviewed said bird and wrote its life story in her journal. later after she gets used to me being her teacher (and loving her even if she makes a mistake), i'll tell her that twila is not spelled twilla and leaves isn't spelled levse. :) she also helped at the store by using the calculator to add or multiply prices.
we met mr's teacher and gave him a brief warning/intro to RAD. thanks to laura for this great, short fact sheet! he hadn't heard of RAD, but was willing to work with us. i was hoping to save him the frustration of dealing with a child who's smart one minute and dumb the next, but how can a non-RAD exposed human really get it?? you RADical moms know it seems like it's on purpose, like they want to be in trouble (i used to believe that), but it's a fear reaction. he really can't think under stress, he'd love to be able to! anyway, mr's first full day (they go all day, every other day) is friday. i think he's more stressed than we realize because he's pooped his pants twice in two days! he never does that and said it was an accident, but it's one of those questionable accidents. he's still in diapers, only at night (where i swear he pees all night long! he's a deep sleeper.) but we've not had any kind of potty issues forever. so that and other random odd behavior makes me think he's a bit nervous, though he won't admit that. probably doesn't even realize it. he has a hard time with sad and mad, not sure he understands nervous!
while at school, we visited cj at lunch where many of the girls begged me to let em come back to school and keep cj home! :) she was really happy to see her friends again though, and very sad when we got home. did ya catch that????? em was sad! (only a RADical mom would say yay!) so as a good mom, i helped her "feel her feeling" (which appears almost rubbing it in, but isn't) and then we celebrated that she had a feeling.
tonight as i was tucking her in, she said mom i want to go back to school. so i said sure, of course you will, next year for 4th grade. she said no, i want to go now. i said well honey, you can when you're ready, but you need to be good at this. and i rubbed noses with her, to which she got nervous and did her crazy giggle. i said you need to get used to having a good mommy and be able to relax on my lap and when i do this. and rubbed her cheek gently, to more uncomfortable giggling. and i ended with a positive, but i'm sure you'll get there. you can do it! of course, i guarantee she'll be sleepwalking down here soon. it's every night lately, but always, always after any hard night.
so, a pretty good first day of school at our house, except for the poop. :)

oranges for the starving

i'll get to the oranges in a minute. our two RADicals have food issues (as well they should thanks to their sucky first parents), but we didn't notice it at first. they don't hoard like we were prepared for, not at all. they just whine because they're starving. well, more like staaaaaarrrvvviiinnnggg. we just chalked that up to their whiny, victimized outlook on life (again, thanks to the suckos). but recently we've noticed an increase in their fear and concern about where/when their next meal or snack is, especially with em. we've always been careful about food, knowing it can be a big issue for adopted kids. we always let them know it's coming, keep it visible, give plenty of snacks (both healthy and just yummy), we never punish them with missed meals, and if they are "starving" rice cakes are always available. (you know: i'm starving, have a rice cake, i don't want a rice cake, then you're not starving...)
but they are still very, very concerned when they'll eat next. if you don't have a RADical, you'd think oh they're just snacky, all kids are like that, but you don't live here. if you did, you'd see the panic and real fear on their faces. in their brains (which are developmentally stuck in the past) they just know they might not get food and they may die. even though they've not missed a meal in the two years they've been with us, the meals they did miss before that are fresh on their messed up little minds.
dad asked em why she was so scared about food (trying - in vain - to get her to use logic) and she didn't know. i told her that her brain was just still afraid she might not get to eat because when she was little she didn't always get to eat when she needed to. she "gets it" but she doesn't "get it". story of her life.
anyway, we realized that they would hoard food, they're just too afraid to get in trouble! so it needs to be treated the same way, eureka! so we told them we'd leave something out on the table so they'd never have to worry about food again. they can go eat whenever they need.
now of course we hope they don't eat all day long and they come to realize that yes, it's there and they are not going to die. we figure they'll go crazy for a few days though!
today it's a box of oranges. em's had quite a few and mr's just glad they're there. the funny (in a profoundly sad way) thing was when we told em she could have an orange anytime she wanted all day, instead of the fear leaving, she just asked what would be on the table tomorrow. i said (to deaf ears) just worry about today. if i said you could eat oranges all week, you'd worry about next week. just know you'll have something everyday.
ah my poor little RADical orange eating girl...