Mother's Day

In case you remember last year's Mothers Day cards, wow, this year was a bit better.  Hopefully that means more healing has taken place. 
Em hasn't done hers yet, but I'm sure she'll just try to figure out what I want, even though I don't want anything except for her to have a real feeling. 
Cj's was just informational, so his birthmom would know the basic facts.  He said he has no emotions about her whatsoever.  I'm not sure I totally believe that, but I'm honoring it and just said okay, thanks. 
Mr's was a bit less harsh than last time.  And I admit I love the last line.  :)

Hi Mom.  I'm ten.  You probably know that.  I just want you to know that card last year was my anger for you but this one's about my love for you.  I know that you made f***ing bad choices but I forgive you.  I know you are nice in your heart.  Now I travel in an RV.  It's so much fun.  My mom now is about 2 million billion times better than you. 

I love that he feels she's nice in her heart.  That means he's able to feel that about himself. 

She doesn't like love

Em's come so far, but she still doesn't like love. Or the thought of liking love. The other day I heard her reading, "Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever." So I said, "See? LOVE will always follow you, no matter what you do." She said, "Love sounds like a creepy stalker." Ah, so far to go...

Seeing her feelings

One thing we've always done with em is "show" her her feelings (suggested by her AT). Since she doesn't feel her feelings or always connect them to what's on her face, we show her in a mirror and help her connect them. (I should explain that better, but it's late and I'm lazy).
In the car, she was really annoyed with me (because I touched her at the same time she thought she was "in trouble" so she was all tense and weird - and then I pointed that out). But she was making this very annoyed/frustrated face and I said wow are you annoyed with me for pointing out your feelings, look! And I took a picture of her. When I showed it to her, I expected her to just continue being annoyed, but she grabbed it and said WOW, do I seriously look like that?!
It cracked me up. Definitely not her best look. :)

First Mothers' Day

Pretty big issues around here lately, so we’ve been doing lots of therapy and working on things. I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel yet, but I do think there’s a light, so that’s a great improvement of late. It’s been tough.
We did a First Mother’s Day here as some therapy for the kids. No matter the issues, our kids’ first moms DID choose to have them, so they’ll always have my heart for that. I figured they’d be pretty detached and emotionless, so mr really surprised me, but in a good way. BIG feelings but he’s not trying to hide them or holding them in, so good stuff. He asked if he could “write a cuss” and I said these are your feelings so you can write absolutely anything you want. He did!
Cj is pretty typical for him and em is typical for her (trying to guess what I’d want her to write.) Maybe she’ll let go of those feelings one day. FYI, a LOT of therapy surrounded all this (with much positive and negative), so please don’t post advice or complain since you don't have the full story.  I'll frown and delete.
I do hope my cards tomorrow are different!
Language warning! Sharing unedited, except for misspelled words that were auto-corrected and erased names to protect the guilty.  The boys decided to burn theirs, so no pics.

mr:
Happy Mother’s Day. Thank you for not aborting me but I still hate you and even if you tried you couldn’t have me back. 
Fuck you, you bitch. 
I’m sorry for my bad language but that’s the way I feel. 

*cough* I know!

cj:
Hi Mom. My new name is __. I live in the USA. I am 12 years old. I am a Christian. And I have no hard feelings against you. :)

 

em:
Happy Mother’s Day! How are you? Are you well? Have you had any other kids? I have a big family now. And live in my RV and travel the country. I have a new name and still live with my brother __ who is now __. I would like to hear more. 
I don’t resent you for what you’ve done. You made a mistake and like God I forgive you. God loves you. 

This was our first and it was interesting.  They ended up needing much more than honoring their first moms and it was hard good. I won't even try to explain.  Afterwards, em went outside and just sat, quietly reflecting, while the boys went into their room to wrestle.  Now that didn't surprise me.

 

our hysterically-giggly-when-she-feels-feelings girl, and our proud boy

whenever em starts to feel love, she gets insanely giggly. like a weird maniacal completely out of control fit of the strangest laughter. it's a little scary, and quite annoying, especially if *i* am feeling love! (cause many of you know as a RADical mom you just want to GET to feel love sometime, dangit!)
tonight at dinner we were all just talking quietly and enjoying each other's company and she broke out into the crazies. she couldn't figure out why and we told her she was feeling love and that just scared her brain and she didn't know how to handle it. we said we'd keep giving her love and eventually she'll get used to it. but still, knowing why doesn't make it that much easier to tolerate. and while annoying, it's also just depressing knowing that she really doesn't feel loved like an 8 year old should.

yesterday mr had OT and mr jeff (therapist) really praised his behavior and self-control (yay!) with a good explanation and examples. so of course i gave lots of pizazz about that and he was all proud (something he's really digging lately). when we saw dad, he said mom tell dad what mr jeff said! so i said very excitedly that mr jeff said matt was really good today! but that wasn't enough. mr said mom, tell him all the other stuff too! :) it was so cute. i'm so glad he's finally feeling pride!

sad feelings and movies

friday is family movie night, so always pizza, popcorn, and a movie. my two RADicals drive me INSANE during movies because they can't handle the emotional parts. i get into movies and love to identify with the characters. k, i cry like a baby. :) but as soon as a movie get quiet, you know the part where they WANT you to feel sad and emotional, those two get loud, bored, need something, jump up, ask questions, etc. to the point where i hate watching movies with them. i'm always shushing trying to get them to be quiet so 1. i can enjoy it and 2. they can learn to feel sad like normal kids. our AT's suggested we watch sad movies with them and really help them feel the sad. i try but man it's hard. i do better in all other areas and i (also suggested by our AT) empathize and say how i would be so sad too, and say wow you do look so sad, look at your face, etc. but it's hard during movies!
anyway, tonight we watched bridge to terabithia (highly recommended if you're also working on sad) and i was dreading them ruining it for me as usual, but trying to stay focused on helping them. so as it got close to the sad stuff, i quietly kinda prepped them so they'd stay quiet, then cuddled, rubbed backs, held hands, and very quietly talked about what was sad (kinda talking so they couldn't). and they did great! mr's getting better about saying that's a sad part, it's sad when that happens. seems more like he knows he should say it then he actually feels it, but he's getting it! em still thinks i'm weird for being sad, maybe she'll get there one day. but i was proud of them for staying quiet and quietly talking about sad, and didn't want them to ruin the moment, so after what i thought was enough time of sad, i offered cookies. and after a break, they still did really well when we got back to the movie. so i think it was a very successful night of sad! and happy, it does have a happy ending, which is a must for me to like the movie! :)