yay, sadness! yeah, i know...

i'm so glad you all get it! mr was so sad today and the floodgates opened again. mr jeff, his OT, got a new job and today was his last day. mr was very sad and talked about it quite a bit in AT, which we had just before OT. and he did okay, asked him if he had to leave, if he'd change his mind, why he wanted to leave, etc, but he did well. until we hit the van, and shew! he was just sobbing and crying so hard, i felt awful for him. this is the first time he's cried over missing a person (including his birth family!) so i know it's huge. and yeah, i took a phone pic. had to!
he kepting saying i'm never going to see him again and it seemed like it was really sinking in. i stopped and got in the back with him and just cried with him! since it seemed a little bit over the top to me, i figured there may have been more to it. so i said are just sad or are you afraid of something? he said i'm afraid i'll forget him. i said do you mean like how you're forgetting your old mom? he said (with much force) yes, i can't even remember her name. isn't that just heart wrenching?? he said i remember grandmama though (my grandmother who passed away last year). i said well you'll learn to remember and i have pictures we can look at too.
so i think he's really starting to deal with the loss, sadness, guilt for not remembering, and all those feelings he's not allowed himself to feel before. and i'm so glad, just wish it wasn't so hard to see him so sad!

my baby cried!!!!!

my little mr cried at a sad movie for the first time in his little life!!!!! i'm so happy! :) far from home, the adventures of yellow dog. highly recommend it as a family flick! i was bawling (of course, mommy always cries at movies). it was about a lost dog (what could be more sad for a little boy?) and i heard him sobbing out loud!!! real, true sad feelings! i said mr, are you crying? he said i'm so sad! i grabbed him and we cried hard together, it was so sad (though happy for me because it's so good for him)! on the advice of our AT, we've been watching movies with sad parts and trying to almost "rub it in" but really just deepen that sad feeling. they usually laugh and think it's stupid that people are sad (em still did), or sometimes they're just bored and fidgety. but this time, it clicked and he was so sad for that dog!!! what a great moment for his little RADical, sad-deprived brain!!!

RADical therapy and this little piggy

today i'm just frustrated that my kids have a mental health issue that everyone else EXCEPT for them has to fix. yes, they have to talk about feelings and do yucky homework of sitting on mom's lap eating candy, but for the most part, to help them attach, WE have to parent differently. WE give them the things their first parents didn't. WE try to understand that their brains work differently. WE try to react differently than how we were modeled and what comes naturally to us now. WE know they're just acting out of fear. WE know it and WE get it and WE will continue to do it to help them heal, but it just feels like we, we, we, all the way home!
do you ever feel like that? i get why and i'd never stop and i'm confident they'll heal, eventually. and of course tomorrow i'll feel better. but today i'm just whiny! oh, looks like it's tomorrow already, boy do i need sleep! :)

oh the puke! and helplessness...

anyone else's kids puke because they get worked up about not feeling good?? they don't do it because they're sick, they do it because they're crying ABOUT being sick. it's so darn annoying to me!!! i was not a good RADical mom today, i freely admit it. i've been sick and also fighting a migraine for a few days and i don't feel good (wahhhhh). so this morning i wake up to mr saying "my belly hurts" to which i sigh (can't help it, i'm not a morning person) but i do manage to get up (while my head splits open and i shove it back together) and get him a pepto "candy" and when he sees the cartoons, he's cured. yay, so i go back to bed. short time later i hear him cough in the kitchen where the kids are eating breakfast. ignored it for a bit cause he stopped, but then later wondered and said mr? are you okay? no. why not? i puked.
ugh. so i go in and he's just sitting there covered in it. just sitting. sitting and waiting. on what? i don't know. it's so frustrating that both he and em are completely helpless in that (or any) situation. we've gone over and over just stay calm, take a breath, and DO something. cj (my normal) used to freeze when we first got him and i hated that. i used to yell orders and try to kinda shock him into action and dad talked me out of that approach (but it just made me mad! wasn't effective though of course.) so i worked on being soothing and encouraging him to keep moving, think of what to do, help talk him though the situation and now he's better. i haven't gotten through to em or mr yet, after TWO years. so frustrating. i get the why, it's just frustrating. apparently this is a venting post today!
anyway, it really bugs me that they think they're so sick that they throw up when it's rarely why. it's because they cry and whine and complain then shove cereal down their throat. i know his belly hurt and i know it doesn't matter if he knows why he really got sick. i'm just tired and sick and hate mornings anyway, but most definitely when they involve puke.
i had therapy with em today right after that and i told the AT that i wasn't in a very good nurturing kinda place today. she was great and focused more on some other things with her and gave my brain a little break. em did really good too. shared some pretty sad feelings she's not shared before (and she doesn't do sad). her AT wondered if our slumber party and the good loving time em had sorta knocked something loose. we'll have to see, but it was quite interesting. it was funny (well almost, not if you live it), she was playing a game (sorry!) and when you draw a card you also have to draw a feeling card and say i felt ___ when ___. and anytime she'd get love, she'd drop it like it was disgusting. she's good with mad, that's her only real feeling she gets. (and i know anger isn't a root feeling and all, but she's 8). she hates sad, hates happy, but absolutely detests love. it's funny except that it's so not.
we've had to work on happy lately. we've all assumed she's had happy and gets that, but she has a very hard time remembering being happy. like the next week she can only remember maybe one time. we know she's happy plenty, but she's not associating the word happy with that feeling. so we made a list and she added a sentence every time she felt it for the last week and she was shocked there were so many times! (and it was only like 7, we didn't write them all down!) so even her good stuff, she's just not associating them with feelings because she's so disconnected.
had an interesting conversation with dad about that yesterday. i said of course she doesn't want to feel anything! why would she? if she lets herself feel, then she'll feel sad that her mom didn't want her, then her grandma, then their friend! that's not true of course and we know that with our adult logical brains, but she doesn't! and who on earth would want to feel that sad??? yes, she'd also get to feel love, but again, in her mind love doesn't feel so good either. her first mom loved her, but didn't take care of her. we can tell (and she's said) she didn't get much of any nurturing at all when she was little. who would want to feel that? you just can't blame her when you think from her point of view. scared to death we'll do the same thing, so she's just as perfect as she can be. cold and stiff and heartless and perfect. i'd do the same thing in her shoes!
yeah, this got long. if you've read this far, thanks and sorry! :)

holy pinkoli!

i went really pink on the blog! you won't see if it you're in a reader i suppose. i think the pink on my nails (and fingers) went to my head! :)

that "talking thing" is a conversation!

my RADical em asked a funny (kinda) question today after church. we were walking out with a friend and my friend saw another friend and stopped and had a typical conversation. i thought nothing of it of course, but i guess em was pondering it.

mom, how do grown-ups do that talking thing?
what talking thing?
you know where they start talking and just keep doing it.
you mean a conversation?
i don't know, just where they start talking and keep talking and don't stop.
(realization dawns... she doesn't know) oh honey, that's called a conversation. people do that because they care about each other. they want to know how the other person is doing so they say hi, ask questions, and talk about how they are. you'll get better at that as you learn how to love and let people love you. it's really fun.
oh.

it's hard to fathom not having the understanding that seems so basic of caring about others. it feels good when someone cares about you and asks about your week, although to em, it's more like a test i guess. what answer are they expecting me to give so i get this right and stay safe? she's pretty inconsiderate, but not to be rude, she just really doesn't know. and that's a hard thing to teach. we've modeled it for years now, but maybe one day it'll rub off.

the slumber party!

almost forgot to share about the slumber party (partly why i'm so tired!) em and i had a very fun time! she enjoyed it and even cuddled with me during the movie! not normal! it helped that we were tired and cold, but she was very appreciative and sweet, like a real girl (shut it, yeah i said it, it's my blog). we did the usual family movie night with pizza and the whole fam. then we watched another movie, ate popcorn, then went upstairs to her room. i painted her nails really well. she did mine, not so good. i had to go out like this tonight too! but we sat close together for a long time facing each other and talking so it was all good. my other hand's worse, but i can't take pics left handed. :) anyway, then we played barbies for a while. man those clothes are hard to change. and just goofed around til we dropped. then we layed in bed talking about nothing, but talking. not stupid nonsense questions, or hard to digest therapy yucky stuff, just talking. it was great! and on a funny note, we slept in this morning and she didn't wake up once all night! she ALWAYS gets up multiple times to go to the bathroom, sometimes to get a drink, sleepwalk, scary dream, etc. , but always goes to the bathroom a few times. but nothing last night, thought that was interesting. whether it was we didn't drink much or she was super tired or she woke up but felt safe for a change i don't know, so i'll just file it under interesting.
now of course the boys want a slumber party. it's hard to explain that they don't need one in the same way em does. not quite fair i know, so we'll come up with something, but i need my sleep too! anyway, it was fun and was a nice way for me to connect on a lower key than my usual. and it was very encouraging to see her that relaxed that close to me. just goes to show the only way i'll help her is for ME to do better. that's so hard. but worth it of course. and last night was a great peek at what mother/daughter could feel like.

not political, just interesting

i don't care who i vote for, let alone you, so this isn't political. just a wow for me that i saw on the love hopes blog tonight. to hear "punished with a baby" is so hard for this adoptive mom!! i'm so thankful i was blessed with someone else's punishments.

bridging that darn gap!!!

for all my wonderful RADical moms, heather forbes (beyond consequences) wrote a great post and i can't believe i missed it! she GETS the missing piece and seems ready to really address it and help us poor struggling crazy women understand the mysteries of the HOW of RADland. we get the why and the what, but the how to reach their little suffering brains is what's hard, at least for me. anyway, she sees the contrast between the brain research people on one end who get the theory and the struggling parents on the other trying to get how to love (and live with) their children. she's asked for input about what's needed to bridge that gap so please go check it out and let her know what would help you.
i know many of you have really appreciated the peace from understanding the fear in our kids as heather teaches. it's brought an amazing peace over our house, even in the chaotic times. we're no longer hopeless! anyway, please check out her post and make a comment there if you have any suggestions! (please do, i know so many of you get it better than i do!!) thanks!

http://heather-forbes.blogspot.com/

an interesting mommy/daughter time, slumber party!

i was pretty busy today with company work, house work, yard work, just too much work! but dad and em had a really nice day together. i felt guilty because i need to be more nurturing and spend more one-on-one time with her. after all, that is the sole reason she's homeschooling right now! dad makes it convenient and does a great job with her, but i need to step up more and stick to it. we discussed it last night because i was feeling down, and i'm just having a hard time wanting to. it's so hard when nothing is reciprocated. it's like pulling a stranger on your lap and trying to show them love and help them love you, even after all this time. if you're a RADical mom, hopefully you can relate, if you're not, don't even try. anyway, i felt bad. feel bad. because i don't want to waste this year. i feel like it's my only chance to really reach her. it's my only time i can be with just her and do the mom things she missed growing up. (wahh, what a crybaby, anyway...)
so after my busy day, i wanted to at least do our AT "homework" of holding her for 5 minutes (all she can handle right now). i had to do a little abbreviated holding time with mr tonight (that's a whole other post for another day though) and once he finally relaxed and was good, i had him hop down and told em to hop up. to my amazement, she didn't even complain about having to get off the computer or whine about having to do "homework" (which she despises). even after hearing how miserable mr was (and boy did he put on the show)! so i was a little caught off guard. she hopped up and relaxed and even looked me in the eye without it being a staredown. it was strange! i wish i could say i just went with it and acted as if that was normal, but i said you aren't freaking out right now! she laughed comfortably (as opposed to the usual giggle uncontrollably) and i said hm, maybe you are starting to think you could like me just a little. maybe i just might not be that bad of a mom to have around. and back to RADland, she said is that a mole or a pimple? ah, back to reality (or unreality), but i saw a glimpse! i just changed the subject and chatted about her pizzy party and let her tell me how fun that was.
AND THEN (there's more? yep!) she said will you feed me something? (remember we've decided food's the way to her heart) but i was shocked that she wanted to in this close, cozy setting. so i got her a carmel (sugar and sucking motion) and chatted just a bit more about she's okay and safe. how her brain still thinks she has to be perfect or we'll make her leave. i told her i'd definitely feel the exact same way if my mom chose to do drugs and didn't take care of me. she asked some questions and we talked through how she couldn't have changed what happened and what her first mom did. how she can't change how we feel... not a new conversation by any means, but a very close, comfy one for a change. no more stupid questions or changing the subject, just a real conversation. and when i felt she had enough, i had her hop down and off she went. very interesting!
now i need to keep at it and do it more often and hopefully catch her in some quick moments like that. oh, tomorrow night we're having a slumber party, just the two of us. our AT suggested it as a way to get some concentrated together time. we're going to stay up late, eat candy, do each other's nails, and i'll even sleep up in her room. should be interesting. i'm guessing the uncontrolled giggler will return as that's a lot of mommy time. hopefully she'll feel a little love though, even if she won't like it just yet. one day!

it's okay, you're safe

so we've been doing the beyond consequences thing, (fairly well when i'm trying hard and pretty poorly when i'm not) and reassuring em that she's safe, we love her, and she's not going anywhere. not when she verbally worries about those things, because she never does, but when she cries because she can't do a math problem, or loses a game, or can't find a bucket. we know it's out of fear (about something bigger, not just frustration over the problem).
i (lovingly!) say honey, i love you whether you can find a bucket or not. even if you can never find a bucket, i'll always love you and that will never change. it's okay, you're safe. i know your brain thinks that if you're not perfect i won't love you and you'll have to leave, but that's not true. you are so stuck with me no matter what.
at first, especially when it was a seemingly unrelated thing (like crying over math), i'd give her the it's okay, you're safe speech and she would say huh? what are you talking about? and later, why are you talking about that now? and she'd always argue, no i'm not worried about that!
but now, i've noticed she just listens. it's like she's realizing that she does feel that way and she likes being reassured. not sure if she really does, or if she's just tired of arguing. :)

finally, his first lost tooth!

mr has been waiting so long to lose a tooth and finally did tonight at church! it's been loose for a while and he's tried everything: wiggling, pushing, pulling, even getting kicked in the mouth! (yeah, he wanted it out bad!) so tonight when we went in to pick him up, they told us it fell out and a leader had it. i figured it was during game time, he fell or was kicked or something, but nope. it was during class, you know, the quiet listening time. he said he just used his fingernails to get in there and pulled as hard as he could. he's one tough boy! and now one very proud and excited boy! oh, and it was western night, hence the bandana. :)

school closed early today due to a brain meltdown

today was definitely a day where public school couldn't have done em a lick of good. not that we did any at home either! her brain just shut down today and we realized she wasn't going to learn a thing, so we didn't fight it and gave her a day off. i figure it's from a board game she lost last night, she took that pretty hard. it was a trivia game, so not a game of chance, and she couldn't be perfect, so we probably won't love her anymore. what horrible pressure in that little brain of hers!!
but she was confused, forgetting things, going the wrong direction, everything was so painfully hard (and it so wasn't), she couldn't remember that when you get to the end of a line you read down to the next one, etc. so she got to play. not productive of course, but school wouldn't be either on her days like this. and it’s so frustrating because no amount of love, nurturing, understanding, encouragement, support, does a bit of good. you can see it coming, understand why it happens, but do nothing about it. my logical brain hates that!
one funny conversation dad tried to have with her. i can't remember the details, but it was basically "your brain is not able to focus on this thing and i'm trying to teach you how to" and she cuts him off and asks "what's your real name? i mean what's on your birth certificate?" it was so sad it was almost funny! probably as close to the opposite as her brain could get from whatever it was supposed to be focusing on...

tough week!

i had a yucky week! had to fire a staff member, and it's super hard because our staff is very close. so i had to fire a friend. and in doing so i lost a friend. she didn't take it very well. she's completely irrational and delusional, but i'd hoped for better. here's one time where a RADical staff member would be helpful to have!
oh i'm fired? okay, whatever, do you have any cookies?
it would have been much easier to fire an emotionless robot like my em!